Monday, January 13, 2014

a morning walk

walking in the morning i can't help but allow my mind to wander. but it wanders too far into paths that i shouldn't be ruminating on. or the word, "shouldn't" is a bit much. Perhaps it's that my mind would be better, healthier to wander down different paths. ones with peace. ones where i rely upon God for the direction vs that of my own lust or fear. funny to think that these can be my two main motivators. but it is the truth, however that might be. 

i found myself searching for God wondering where he could be in the midst of my morning walk. but then i remembered - where was i in the midst of my morning walk? 

i started a rosary. a repetition of prayers that enter you into a meditative state focused on the divine. with the words of the prayers falling in your head it's less likely you'll wander some ancient dark path i've walked a thousand times. 

our father who art in heaven, hallow be thy name ....

the steadfastness of this prayer is a comfort. the moment in church when we all say it together, our voices blended so one can not detect one voice over the other. or perhaps it's more that each of our voices has blended to a mighty chorus where we all are in this together.

it's a peaceful moment for me. one i often think of simply listening to but when i stop praying the words myself i wander off into the observation vs allowing myself to be a part of these that walk the path of life with me. i weave back into place allowing my soul to rest for just a moment in that safety of community. 

the solid bass notes of men 50 years my senior speaking the same deliberate words. the frailty of female voices somehow lowered an octave to match the majority. it is truly fascinating how that works. 

so these are the thoughts that come to me on a morning walk. it's followed by a few Hail Mary's, prayers my denomination doesn't pray as a group. i wonder what that will feel like. praying to a woman, another stepping stop closer to God. 

hail mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee, blessed art thou amoung woman and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, jesus. pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death. 

i repeat these mantra, ruminations on the divine and slowly my mind comes back to focus. slowly, a hymn enters. 

what does the lord require of you? ..... peace and justice, mercy. 

i don't know these words but i know the melody so i hum it to myself. or in my head, my vocal chords never move. it strikes me that a hymn would be the thing that popped into my head. well, let's be honest, the first thing was ... 

never mind, i find someone like you 

ah adele. why sing a song to no one that has ended a love affair. but it's easy for my brain to weave tales of  love and fantasy while i ignore the love that does exist. the love of my Father and the community in which I belong. 

i belong. 

so as i take my walk i will allow an old hymn to penetrate my thoughts and guide me to a center place, just as it has for millions before me and millions after me. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

a lead balloon

is it ever too late to come back to a blog? it's the same as asking yourself if it's ever too late to come back to yourself. the answer has to be no. right?

life .... is life. let's see if i can summarize the last year and a half. the boy is growing happy and strong. my relationship ended and it devastated me. worst that any prior relationship has. perhaps because it was after a hysterectomy 3 weeks prior. oh and i didn't have the tiny scar, i had the lovely cancer scar straight down the middle. work is still church. school is still a pipe dream. the apartment is lovely. too small now that my mom has moved with us. yup, she had over a year ago. that in and of itself is hard. so that's my life. in a year.

today someone said that they don't like to read that they have repeated words. i pause and laugh because my life is a repeat. the particulars might change slightly. but not much. and maybe that's why i don't write. i don't want to admit how stagnant life is for me. how inactive i am. how i have begun to lose faith in god, faith in my dreams, faith in anything really.

do i have hope? for what - is my first response. i pause for a long time, searching for a kernel. i listen to christian music. i pray. i meditate. i empty my mind as much as i can. the answer is no. i don't have hope.

maybe instead of thinking how sad i could simply except it for what it is. i live each day because i have to. plan a project. plan a goal. plan an activity. sure. i'll do that. the goals don't give me hope either. they just keep me distracted from the point - hope is a fool's mission. i've spent my life being a fool. maybe i should embrace the cynic.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Morning

i snuck out for sunrise service. 

i never really understood easter like really truly understood. there are many subjects that i intellectually understand but don't ever feel with my soul. easter was one of them. resurrection. ok. so supposedly jesus rose from death. he lived again. because god has the power to defeat death. and?

i always thought about the "and?" what am i supposed to take from easter? i'm not jesus. i'm not the messiah. i'm not a prophet. god will not resurrect me. i will not die and be brought back to life. i don't get it.

there were 13 of us at sunrise service. it's misty and cold. dark and sad. we each take a necklace of stone and a candle stick. the elder recalls the story of jesus's crucifixation. the roles that each played. judas in his betrayal. peter in his denial. pilate in giving into the crowd's wishes. she relates it to our human experience. we have all betrayed god, denied god, and given into the common good. we are not immune to it. i am overcome with tears.

someone once told me the name for when you cry from god's spirit filling you. i don't remember. but it's a phenomena that no matter how i try to not cry the tears roll. we each go to cross and extinguish our light. we stand in the early post-dawn hours where the sky is that lovely shade of gray on it's way to being blue. the rock necklace around our necks.

i'm overwhelmed as there is a spot in the courtyard of church that i love. i feel god there. it sounds ridiculous but it's seeing the cross at the top of the building through the trees. the cross has nothing around it and there is nothing to obstruct your view from the cross and the sky. it hits me.

the elder continues. we all have stones to be removed from the tomb we keep ourselves in. god can remove that stone. he can resurrect us. the stone necklace had become a burden to me. i weep (i weep now as i remember) because i have so many stones to remove. so many. i'm overcome with the emotion of my understanding.

that is what easter is isn't it? it's the understanding that god can resurrect me. right now. here. today. he can forgive me and allow me to forgive myself. he can take the stones and move them. no matter how big they are or long i've carried them.

at some point the elder tells us to remove the necklace of stone. i almost throw it off. the burden on my neck i want it gone. the oxygen of god floods my lungs. it's this clarity that has happened a few times before in my life. i can breathe again. god will resurrect me. i am not insignificant to him. i am not unnoticed by him. i am a loved child just as we all are.

as the service concludes she offers that we may take the stones with us or we may leave them at the cross. most everyone quickly leaves the stones at the cross. i am more hesitant. i don't want the stones around my neck but i don't want to leave them either. what will happen if i don't enclose myself any more? what will happen if i truly let go? i literally stand there for what seems like forever. i debate walking away from my stones. i don't know if i can do it.

i understand now why Easter has been a struggle for me to understand. it's relinquishing control. i pick up the stone. at this point. everyone has dropped their stone at the cross and move to another part of the church. i stand and look at the bag.

i have to understand the resurrection story. i have to understand god's ability to forgive me and to love me regardless. more important i have to forgive myself. i have to love myself. to not do that would be a denial of god and god's grace in my life. i am afraid to forgive myself. i am afraid to truly love myself. i feel all of that in the moment that i stand looking at the bag.

let go. 

i walk over to the cross take a look at the bag and drop it. not graciously or deliberately as everyone else has. i just turn my hand over and let it go. where the rock falls is not my concern. i feel a burden lift and for the first time i think i understand the point of resurrection. that is the miracle.

Monday, January 31, 2011

church politics

returning to work in a "real" job has been such an eye opener.

the perception of what i do - design and create communications strategies - is seen as "easy". everyone knows how to communicate. sigh. no actually very few people know how to objectively communicate to people who aren't just. like. them.

it's the number one thing every communications department has to overcome. we have to convince the people involved that ... it doesn't matter if you don't like the color purple, the purchaser or user of our product does and here are the facts to back that up.

i'm frustrated because now i am charged with communicating about a community of faith. oy. it's not easy. it helps that i'm the target market on a personal level. i'm gen x. i'm a seeker. i did not grow up in the church. i am uneasy of the church honestly.  i am caution that this community of faith actually does what it says it does. and for a church doing what you say you will do is probably job #1 IMHO. because think about it. if you don't, then that means God doesn't either.

so i've been in my job a month. it is full of busy work administrative tasks with a significant dose of assumptions on my role and responsibility. i have to wade through this and do some serious thinking along the way. some people view me as a glorified secretary, I was handed a hand written letter by someone in the church today and was told to type it. yeah no. that's not my job. but he's old and i'm weak and want to be liked so i take it. damn it! the pastor turns around though and takes it back.. thank God! ok... I'm digressing.

then there others who actually see the value in communicating the church effectively. they want to take the church to the next level. Splash banners every where, go on Facebook, light up the church. And I'm all for that. BUT here's the deal people. We can't light up the church if you have a leaky roof that would kill the fire in 3 seconds. We have to ensure that message communicated is the message we are delivering. And then there is are a rare few people who understand that creating a strategy to communicate that message is not instantaneous. It takes time and thinking.

So now here I am in the middle of gathering data, testing ideas, etc but the church is full of politics. every church is. every organization is. we are all human after all. but i'm a straight shooter. probably too much so. politics is not something i play well at. i get by with a little help from my friends but right now i don't think i know who my friends are.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

unsent letter.

This is an exercise. A much needed exercise. i will never send this letter. i will never speak this words. but i have to get it off my chest.


DM & YT -
Fuck you. Fuck you for taking what was to be a good living situation and making it horrible. Fuck you for assuming that I was above being friendly to. Fuck you for thinking I'm nothing but a user. Fuck you for being immature and narcissistic assholes.

And I tried. I tried hard to let you become friends with me. But for whatever reason I was not welcomed from the get-go. I never understood why. All I did was move into a house 1100 miles away from home. All I did was bring a child with me. Yet I was the easy victim to blame for ruining the serenity of the house. But the thing is you both already ruined it.

Close to 50 both of you and still every night you want to drink 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka. then smoke a pack of cigarettes and a couple of joints. yet I'm the user. I'm the one who needs to be talked down to like a child. I'm the one who is pushed out and deemed unworthy to be part of the cool kids.

The cool kids never liked me. Whatever. But this is different. I'm just like you. Actually no I'm not just like you. I have a child that I have to be stable for. And as much as my world is falling apart with money worries and the strong desire to shrink responsibility I don't have a choice.

You both think I'm the narcissus. That it's all about me. But it's not about me. I'm the smallest person in my world. Many people come before me. The most significant of which is my son. The big choices I've made in the last few months have been for his benefit. It would be so much easier to have been homeless.

But you never bothered to try to even see that. you just took your anger and your confusion and your feels of being discarded and you put it all on me. even standing in the same room i couldn't have a conversation with either of you.

it's been a nightmare and i've survived the nightmare as i survive most things. the funny thing is that you both think your life is bigger and more important than mine. i try to remember that someone's life is always better than mine and someone's is always worse. with you two, my life is bigger. i'm 10 years younger than you yet i've made more emotional strides and changes than you probably understand. jesus you think i'm a loser. then even better you think you know God better than I do.

It makes me laugh. Thinking about how "christian" you both claim to be yet every day your life is full of selfishness and judgment. isn't that the antithesis of christianity? the spiritual guidance is a joke because where did you feel closer to God? while you drunk, high, or full of nicotine. how did you express it? through marginalizing me and lecturing me on how to raise my child, how to cook, how to clean, how to worship God, how to process politics, how to feed my son certain foods to "cure" him. and the list goes on and on and on.

and i let you. i guess that's my part in this play. i actually listened to your words of "advice" because you never know where the answer will come. i kept thinking you would listen back. but you didn't. i played this melodrama of my childhood, of my marriage, of my social rejections. deep personal significant shit and i reacted the same way.

in the end it's all been done. we will all leave this place. this "transition" home. another set of people that i shared my life with for awhile who i will never see or talk to again. another set of people who used their misinterpreted judgment of me against me. another set of people who think it's "all about me."

you selfish arrogant bastards.

i go back to the place of blame. in the end it's a good thing. all of this has brought my unhealed wounds from childhood events back to the surface. that's good because now i can learn a new technique to deal with them and not the "pretend it's all ok" way.

i wonder what will happen when my life is about living and not about healing picked scabs?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A job!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I got the job!!!!!

wait. so then that means that i can do communications (newsletters, flyers, brochures, web site) for a non-profit? you mean the universe listened again? ....wait. wait. wait. am I an idiot for not holding out for a corporate gig?

..... no i'm not idiot. this is the path. follow. submit. go in peace. know that you are doing what you really enjoy - communicating, messaging, marketing - about something you really believe in - god.

now in the morning talk to your employer. let them know you need to go part-time because you've been given an opportunity to work part-time at a non-profit.

stop fighting. because i'm fighting myself.

you can't work a 60 hour job right now without causing major damage to pandu. he needs you to be with him the majority of the time. not a stranger but his mama.

with two part-time jobs you will have some breathing room and be forced to live the simple life that you always wanted. i have given you what you wanted. now accept and stop fighting. submit and breathe.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Being happy

i feel like i want to be a failure. i don't know how to handle generosity. i don't know how to handle someone caring about me. i don't know how to handle someone being worried about me. i don't know how to be grateful and humble. but i do know how to bitch. i do know how to be disliked and sometimes even hated. and i do know how to be greedy and ungrateful.

i'm pissed off because the universe is being kind to me. how fucked up is that? seriously. how fucked up is that?

i found a food bank that gives away organic and fresh foods. the church i've gone to 3 times has given me $50, a gift certificate for $100, and now some stranger is going to make us dinner. last month when i began with very little and behind on all my bills i managed to be given enough to make it through the month and to start this month not being behind. i am cared about and desired by someone who i have pushed away at every opportunity yet he remains, seeing the beauty of me that others have found so despicable.

and i'm pissed off about it. what's wrong with me?

i have an abundance of food now with some creativity i should be good. i go to allrecipes and type in ingredients and i'm overwhelmed. i can't make a decision. i don't know what to do with it. there is money in my bank account to pay my bills. i'm afraid to. so i just make sure i don't leave the house so i don't do anything stupid. i have bought 3 Christmas presents and spent $6.

I am so overwhelmingly blessed. and all i hear myself saying is .... i don't deserve this. i am not worth this. i am not special. i am not any different than anyone else. what catastrophe is waiting for me the minute i start accepting the gifts that god has granted me?

how do you learn to start being happy when you have spent so many years being unhappy?

how do i convince myself that i am worth this?

how do i teach myself to be gracious in my humility? to accept the gifts, generosity and love being given to me yet remain humble and awed by it without criticizing it happening.

so often i see humility coupled with demoralization. i demoralize myself to keep myself humble. so then i feel like i'm spitting in the face of the universe it's gifts to me. then i think maybe i do deserve this. maybe i do deserve the gifts that are given to me.

and if i do deserve it then why does it hurt so much to accept it? why do i struggle to accept the joy of it?

i don't know the answer. i can't put a bow on this one or put it in the box that i do everything else in my life to cope with it. i am fighting myself internally because i'm starting to think that i am happy. i'm scared to be happy. and in being scared all i'm doing is rejecting god, rejecting love, rejecting blessing, rejecting joy. what sane person does that?

where is the answer to this? because i am tired of fighting myself. I just want to give up and be happy. and why do i feel like there is something wrong with that?