Shut Down

I'm trying. Every day. I'm trying. And it's hard. I keep asking myself how. How did I turn into this person?

Someone yesterday who has known me for 20+ years told me that I used to be an independent person who wasn't afraid to do what I wanted. I don't know where that person went. Even worse, I don't remember ever being that person. But apparently my soul remembers being that person or else why else would I guide myself down this path to walk this road?

Each day is a different story. Sometimes each moment feels like a different story. I pulled inward today. I begin to shut down. I feel better doing that. Just shutting down and being quiet. Why should I even bother is my theory? Who would notice is my second theory? But then I remember it's not healthy. But then I say fuck that. Shut down.

By shutting down aren't I focusing on myself? I mean my problem (well, one of the problems) is I consult the committee on every decision I make, every thought I have. Whether that committee consists of real people or not is up for debate. So by shutting down and just not talking, isn't that better? yeah, I'm kinda thinking it is. Because it's easier to tell myself to shut up then it is to tell anyone in real life.

Sigh. This moment isn't good.