and we're done.

I just want to be happy. I am so tired. Tired in a way that i can't describe. i am tired of being lonely and scared and achy. i don't have a lot of choices. i drive around and i think about driving forever. not turning fast enough. crashing. hurting myself. i have promised myself for my son, for friends in far away places even a friend or two here in denver that i won't. but god do i want to sometimes.

disliked because i have a strong personality and you never know which person you are going to get. am i that bipolar? judgment judgment judgment. judging mcjudgy. that makes me laugh as i think of one of my rays of sunshine who has been busy in her own life. she and i would joke about judgment. how easily others judge you. how easily you let people judge you. the key is learning to not care.

so i guess i need to fess up to what was wrong with me in the marriage. what i did wrong. what my part was in it. i was angry all the time. lava flowed from me underneath the surface at all times. because i knew that i would be talked to and not listened to. it made me shrill and a horrible person. i would be negative all the time, so much so that i could never see a ray of sunshine out of it. i withdrew into the internet and tv. i was controlling in so many ways. i felt like if i didn't control something then it would never happen. i was right. sometimes. sometimes i think i made myself right.

as a couple i was the socially awkward one. i always have been. to some extent i probably always will be. he was more socially graceful. i would be anxious over interacting with other people. not everyone but most. most people that were like him. i developed a reputation. i was not to be fucked with, tough, hard, strong, unbending, determined but sometimes i was shy, awkward, friendly, quiet, pleasing, easy going. my ex said that people never knew what to expect with me. to other people my involvement with my ex was a hinderance to friendship. everyone has told him that they never understood how we could be together for so long.

all the pieces lay around me now. shards of what remain. i realize now that the man that i knew is gone. i always thought that he would be there. that i was important enough to remain. but in the end my idealism gets in the way and i'm left with the pain of it all.

i would not go back on my decision. but in some ways the grief morphed today. it morphed into the truest part of grief. one of my rays of sunshine said to me in the beginning that divorce was telling someone that this is it, you are no longer a part of my life. i thought at the time that i could be different. but i see now that she was right. divorce is telling someone good bye forever. you are dead to me.

and as much as i didn't want to be married any more and as much as i knew that he and i were not meant to have a good marriage, i never wanted him to be dead to me. but the road to hell is paved with good intentions and this will be just another lesson.

right now the lesson is ... live your truth. every day. be you because there is no one quite like you. that is a beautiful thing.