My first one. For years I would always be sad on mother's day. I always wanted to be a mom. I always wanted to be recognized on this day. And today I was. It's interesting really. It's like most holidays. In an of itself it doesn't really have a lot of meaning. Think about it. It's a day that was created to recognize your mother. Shouldn't you recognize your mother every day? The same can be said of other holidays. So yeah, it's interesting.
I enjoyed the day of leisure but for some reason I didn't feel like it was different than any other Sunday. I don't know... maybe I'm a cynic. ok, a lot of cynic. ... or maybe I'm fortunate enough to have each Sunday "off".
Breakfast was delicious, church was insightful, lunch was a pain in the ass and afternoon tea at Serendipi-Tea was fabulous. But do I somehow feel a bit more like a mom. I don't know maybe Hallmark has infiltrated my brain too much. Maybe 5 years from now when I'm unappreciated a little more the holiday will mean a bit more. But for now, it's a little bit of a let down. Is that wrong to say that?
I mean I don't want to sound ungrateful but I'm not sure what the hoopla is. I mean really. I do enjoy buying my mom a corny, sentimental card and taking her to brunch. But I enjoy that on other days too. Do I appreciate my mother more today than other day's, not really? We spat just as much as we may on any other day. So what really is the big deal?
I don't know. I don't get it. I'm glad I can say I'm a mother. But I think I like to say that every day.
Update: A recent news report on my mothering... obviously they didn't double check their sources. http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/?nid=FODPh0wAxXbvuKhwzbwerzEzOTk3Mzc-&referred_by=16662577-wT_ciCx
We all have a path, this is mine.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Monday, December 8, 2008
The New Home Executive
Jason returned to work today and I started my new job - home executive. Somehow the title isn't nifty enough so I need to think of something different. CEO of Chez Fayre? Ruler of Chez Fayre - yeah right on that one!!!
Although we have been home for more than a week it was different today. I didn't have a tag team partner. I didn't have someone to talk the reins if I was tired or wanted to take a shower. But I managed. Pandu was fed, bathed and clothed. What more could I ask? I even managed to take a shower and do a load of laundry. Yes, it's still in the dryer but hey that's another dresser in our household. (Maybe I shouldn't admit that publicly? Ah, whatever.) We even went to the grocery store. It was all so surreal.
At the store I was there with other moms. Shopping the aisles, worrying about bargains and trying to think of how we are going to eat healthy on a budget. Vegetables and fruit are expensive in winter. But I felt a little bit like an imposter. Did people know I was new at this? I felt silly talking to Pandu in the aisles. I felt like I'm a wack job talking to my kid and people are staring at me. Obviously that wasn't the case but I sure felt that in my head. But I noted that even though Pandu is delayed in so many ways he is well mannered. We were waiting in the check out aisle behind another mom of 3 who just wanted a break - you could read it on her face. Her children (5,3,1) were begging for this and that. She had that mom voice that feels so defeated. Sure enough Pandu will beg for this and that too once he gets the concept. That will be a fun day and I too will problem get the mom defeated voice at that point.
All day I struggled internally with this stupid June Cleaver expectation that I have. It's like I'm supposed to be perfect - perfect house, perfect child, perfect dinner on the table, and a chipper attitude to boot. Why do I have this? Why? I mean my mom wasn't. I know I wished she was when I was younger and sometimes I still do now but rarely. I don't want to get stuck with an image that I don't want or respect. I don't want to feel trapped. But I struggle with my identity. Who am I now? What am I going to talk to people about? My son. That's it. I have no gossip. I have no interesting tales of work and other people. Just me, my house, my kid and my husband. I haven't even figured out how to watch the news yet.
The hardest part of the day was honestly when Jason came home. You would think the opposite but it was hard. Pandu was subdued most of the day. He didn't want a lot of interaction with me and was very mellow. Jason walks in the door and Pandu is all over him. Hugging his leg, holding his hand, not letting go. He was like saving me from this crazy care taker. Daddy is home. I know, I know, I know. It's good. It's wonderful. It's actually fantastic. It's attachment. It's what we want. It's what Pandu needs. But man why doesn't he do that with me yet? I know, I know, I know. I may be like all the other woman he is used to. Jason is not. But I just want him to. I want him to love me too. It's like all the rejection in the world all over again. All the people that have chosen others over me. All the times I have been overlooked and disregarded. Only this time - it's my kid. I felt so sad. So devastated. And poor Jason he doesn't know what to do. And I don't want Jason to not encourage Pandu so it just sucks. I had to take a break. Get it back together. Remember that this is good regardless and Pandu will know me too as mom. He will love and adore me just as much. It will just take more time. But man do I want that now.
This whole experience is karma teaching me patience. That indeed Rome was not built in a day (Yes, it was. I know it was. I will make it so. My sheer will will make it so.) That I will grow and be a better person than I am today because I will finally learn patience and how to unconditionally love someone. All the things that I've struggled with I have to figure out in my new career as mom. Wow.
Although we have been home for more than a week it was different today. I didn't have a tag team partner. I didn't have someone to talk the reins if I was tired or wanted to take a shower. But I managed. Pandu was fed, bathed and clothed. What more could I ask? I even managed to take a shower and do a load of laundry. Yes, it's still in the dryer but hey that's another dresser in our household. (Maybe I shouldn't admit that publicly? Ah, whatever.) We even went to the grocery store. It was all so surreal.
At the store I was there with other moms. Shopping the aisles, worrying about bargains and trying to think of how we are going to eat healthy on a budget. Vegetables and fruit are expensive in winter. But I felt a little bit like an imposter. Did people know I was new at this? I felt silly talking to Pandu in the aisles. I felt like I'm a wack job talking to my kid and people are staring at me. Obviously that wasn't the case but I sure felt that in my head. But I noted that even though Pandu is delayed in so many ways he is well mannered. We were waiting in the check out aisle behind another mom of 3 who just wanted a break - you could read it on her face. Her children (5,3,1) were begging for this and that. She had that mom voice that feels so defeated. Sure enough Pandu will beg for this and that too once he gets the concept. That will be a fun day and I too will problem get the mom defeated voice at that point.
All day I struggled internally with this stupid June Cleaver expectation that I have. It's like I'm supposed to be perfect - perfect house, perfect child, perfect dinner on the table, and a chipper attitude to boot. Why do I have this? Why? I mean my mom wasn't. I know I wished she was when I was younger and sometimes I still do now but rarely. I don't want to get stuck with an image that I don't want or respect. I don't want to feel trapped. But I struggle with my identity. Who am I now? What am I going to talk to people about? My son. That's it. I have no gossip. I have no interesting tales of work and other people. Just me, my house, my kid and my husband. I haven't even figured out how to watch the news yet.
The hardest part of the day was honestly when Jason came home. You would think the opposite but it was hard. Pandu was subdued most of the day. He didn't want a lot of interaction with me and was very mellow. Jason walks in the door and Pandu is all over him. Hugging his leg, holding his hand, not letting go. He was like saving me from this crazy care taker. Daddy is home. I know, I know, I know. It's good. It's wonderful. It's actually fantastic. It's attachment. It's what we want. It's what Pandu needs. But man why doesn't he do that with me yet? I know, I know, I know. I may be like all the other woman he is used to. Jason is not. But I just want him to. I want him to love me too. It's like all the rejection in the world all over again. All the people that have chosen others over me. All the times I have been overlooked and disregarded. Only this time - it's my kid. I felt so sad. So devastated. And poor Jason he doesn't know what to do. And I don't want Jason to not encourage Pandu so it just sucks. I had to take a break. Get it back together. Remember that this is good regardless and Pandu will know me too as mom. He will love and adore me just as much. It will just take more time. But man do I want that now.
This whole experience is karma teaching me patience. That indeed Rome was not built in a day (Yes, it was. I know it was. I will make it so. My sheer will will make it so.) That I will grow and be a better person than I am today because I will finally learn patience and how to unconditionally love someone. All the things that I've struggled with I have to figure out in my new career as mom. Wow.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Becoming a Mom
I always thought that motherhood would be this automatic know what to do, know what to feel kind of situation. Don't get me wrong friends have been very gracious in sharing with me the truth about pregnancy, the birthing process, adjusting to the baby, etc. I've not missed the gory details. And I thought I was prepared but not really.
I am a ball of a million things. I'm grieving more than I ever imagined. I feel sadness at the life I've left behind. Yes, I know that I chose this. Yes, I know I wanted this. Yes, I know that life will be better. But right now at this moment I'm feeling tremendous grief and sadness over what used to be. The selfishness of my life before. The ability to do what I pleased whenever I please. We can't just wake up and go to breakfast. I can't sleep 10 hours or stay up to midnight. All of these little things. It's all so stupid. I mean it really is. But I'm really, really bummed. I'm not depressed at all but just sad.
Isn't it supposed to be that you and your baby run through fields of daisies, smiling and skipping along as you go? You are well rested and beautiful, radiant with motherhood. Quite frankly I can't manage to find my contacts, brush my hair or wear anything but sweats and henley shirts that I've worn for the last 2 days. I'm certainly not looking like some kind of commercial at this point. Yet, people have said we look like new parents. Well, I don't know what kind of TV shows these people watch but I've not seen new parents that look like me. I don't include Jason because he is down right radiant. Fatherhood has done him well. Yes, he is griveing as well but it's different. He is bouncy and happy and really liking being a dad. I'm still not sure if I like being a mom.
I do know that I like it but I don't feel like I can control it. I can't control him. I can't control the way other people interact with him. I can't control this situation. I'm a control freak - apparently. Big surprise. HA! So I'm full of nervousness. Am I doing it right? Am I screwing him up for some future time? Will other people hurt him? What if I don't like what they are saying? I can't control anything. Big surprise yet again. Sigh. I know these emotions are normal and I'm not the only one to have had them; but it doesn't make it any easier.
I am a ball of a million things. I'm grieving more than I ever imagined. I feel sadness at the life I've left behind. Yes, I know that I chose this. Yes, I know I wanted this. Yes, I know that life will be better. But right now at this moment I'm feeling tremendous grief and sadness over what used to be. The selfishness of my life before. The ability to do what I pleased whenever I please. We can't just wake up and go to breakfast. I can't sleep 10 hours or stay up to midnight. All of these little things. It's all so stupid. I mean it really is. But I'm really, really bummed. I'm not depressed at all but just sad.
Isn't it supposed to be that you and your baby run through fields of daisies, smiling and skipping along as you go? You are well rested and beautiful, radiant with motherhood. Quite frankly I can't manage to find my contacts, brush my hair or wear anything but sweats and henley shirts that I've worn for the last 2 days. I'm certainly not looking like some kind of commercial at this point. Yet, people have said we look like new parents. Well, I don't know what kind of TV shows these people watch but I've not seen new parents that look like me. I don't include Jason because he is down right radiant. Fatherhood has done him well. Yes, he is griveing as well but it's different. He is bouncy and happy and really liking being a dad. I'm still not sure if I like being a mom.
I do know that I like it but I don't feel like I can control it. I can't control him. I can't control the way other people interact with him. I can't control this situation. I'm a control freak - apparently. Big surprise. HA! So I'm full of nervousness. Am I doing it right? Am I screwing him up for some future time? Will other people hurt him? What if I don't like what they are saying? I can't control anything. Big surprise yet again. Sigh. I know these emotions are normal and I'm not the only one to have had them; but it doesn't make it any easier.
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