So we meet again

I moved today. I packed up my half of the marital assets and moved to a two bedroom "garden" level apartment with a remodeled kitchen and hard wood floors. It took about 90 minutes from first load to last unload. Did I not take enough? I don't know. I mean maybe not. I would think that I would have more but then I remember that we live a rather simple lifestyle to begin with.

I'm not sleeping there yet. I don't have a bed. I don't know part of me is doing this slowly for a reason. I haven't lived alone .... ever. I mean there was a few months in LA but I was too busy dating the ex ex to really ever move in. Or and there were a few months in San Rafael in that attic apartment across the hall from the girl that dated Bill Graham's son. But that's it. So now well, I'm going to be living alone, with a little boy 50% of the time. Wow.

I've avoided writing. I've been avoiding a lot of things. My emotions are all over the place. I spent a day not eating and losing my mind. I deleted my FB account, I pushed people away that didn't deserve to be pushed. I found every crack in my ex's armor and exploited it. He did the same thing. I refused to take my medication. I refused to do anything except lay there and sleep. It was official bottom.

To write about the bottom is close to impossible. it's irrational and crazy. but it was bound to happen. every situation eventually reaches it's pinnacle of worseness or greatness, then you move on.

so now we meet again on the other side of bottom. i'm terrified of actually leaving the house. to make myself feel safe in another new place. what will happen? i don't know. i will rely upon the people that i've desperately tried to push out of my life and learn how to be on my own again. someone said to me that there is beauty in showing your weakness. that it is nothing to be ashamed of. i don't know if i believe them.

but today driving with my mom to and from my new apartment i was reminded of something my grandma said this week as they packed up my possessions. She said, "you will be ok baby and you will build a new life." tears came to my eyes as i thought of that moment today. my family is a family of survivors. women survivors who for one reason or another have had to pick up the pieces a thousand times over and survive. it builds resiliency in your bones. so i will spend 3 days saying good bye to this house, and starting to build another home. boy.