First step

I woke up today and it hit me. I don't know where I belong any more. I wanted this, yes. But I don't think I really felt it until this morning. What now? I sit in this limbo of what now?

• Get a better job.


• Figure out how to pay bills again.


• decorate my apartment


• buy a mattress


• figure out how to make dinner

I'm not very good at being alone in all honesty. I've never been good at it. Not that I have had a lot of boy friends, but I always found a way to not be alone. I can't do that now. And well, it didn't really work for me in the past. So now, finally, at 38 I'm going to know what it feels like to live on my own. I have a son. I can't and wont introduce him to men who are not permanent (or very very long-term) so now I'm stuck without my normal coping mechanism.

Perhaps I'm going to be too honest. but frankly, isn't that the best way to be?

When I was in this situation what did I do? I ran to the nearest guy. Most of the time it was just another person to fill a spot, rarely it was someone who became significant. But now, I can't do that. So what do I do? How do I get back to this sense of me again? How do I remember what it is like to live alone when I've never really done it before?

I paralyze myself in getting overwhelmed. I mean right now I have an apartment with boxes, a tv, a recliner and a coffee table. And where am I? At my old house. Waiting for my beds to be delivered. But once those beds are delivered where will I want to be? Here. I don't know how to make a home. I don't know how to unpack and put something together. I don't know how to do these things and I'm frankly freaking out about it.

People don't make changes because changes are hard. We stay inside the bubble because the bubble is safe. Well, I burst the bubble and I'm terrified.

What did the therapist tell me years ago? you start with one step and go from there. so the first step ... buy sheets.