Spew

Some days I wish I could just spew out every thought in my brain. But I don't. I'm constantly thinking of protecting others. But yet I don't think about me. Over and over again. Today I am having such a moment but I need advice. I don't know what to do. My ex and I are trying to be ok with each, but the same rules of communicating and not communicating still apply. Today he spoke with our social worker, fairly important no? but he chose not to tell me about the conversation even though I asked if I could call to discuss and he said yes. But then I call and our mutual couple best friends are there and he needs to go, without telling me anything, not one thing about the conversation. I'm pissed. It's a power play. Maybe it's not, I don't know. Regardless, I text him saying that in the future please let me know about conversations related to the adoption of our child and don't treat these as private friend conversations that I have no business knowing. He's pissed and shared with our couple best friends his anger. He's shared a lot of anger with them. And with them, I rarely speak to the husband, he texts me or FB me. The wife and I had dinner and emailed a few times recently. Later tonight we talk, I'm still pissed. If the damn ring tone that I assigned to him didn't scare me I would probably not have answered. We argue. The social worker conversation took 10 seconds to tell me and then he proceeds to say how I don't "make the effort" with the best couple friends.

Sigh. Really? Is this your opinion or the friends' opinions? And why oh why do I have to hear this over and over again? It's this power trip move that makes no sense? Or it's the passive aggressive tendencies of my friends and my ex coming through loud and clear? Or it's the double-sided nature of people? It's inevitable. People take sides. And these people are so like my ex in temperament and nature that how could they not? And here I am stewing. Pissed. Not knowing what to do with the anger.

The core is that I want everyone to get along and for everything to be ok. But it's not. And not everyone gets along. Frankly, not everyone likes me. See I always bring it back to me. Like there is something wrong with ME if someone doesn't like me. That I'M the flawed. That it's MY fault. But it's not. Isn't it? I kid that people were friends with us to be friends with my ex, I was just a part of the package. This divorce has showed me how true that is. How utterly rude people can be and how hurtful people can be without even realizing it? FUCK!!!

Can't we just fast forward 10 years. Please. I'm tired of the roller coaster. I'm tired ok. I'm one human. One flawed human and I've had enough. Ok. Universe. Are you listening to me? I've had enough. This is the direction now and help me move forward with it without looking back. Help me to speak my truth and not be afraid. Help me to know that in the end I will not be alone and that those that truly love me will remain, no matter what.

It all comes back to loss of love doesn't it?