Light

There are moments when I feel the connection to the universe, the divine, grace, God, the spirit, the path .... whatever you want to call it. And I never see it coming. it just comes.

Yesterday was a bad day. It found me in the morning completely breaking down. My ex and I had thrown more daggers, hit the bulls-eye and I lost it. I didn't want to be this person. I'm not that person. I'm kind and gentle. I'm thoughtful. I'm deeply concerned with people and their emotions. I'm not bragging or thinking I'm better, I'm just saying. Ok, why am I explaining myself. Fuck! ok, back to the point.

I was just not being me. And then when did I turn into the raving bitch that was arguing with my ex, throwing the daggers? I sobbed with him. I couldn't explain at the time. I hung up. All day I was off kilter. I had to leave work I couldn't deal. I was close to tears all day and I prayed the day would end soon. We reconnected later that day. I told him a version of this. The bottom line is that we need to treat each other the way that we feel, which is full of respect and kindness. Truly in the end that's what I feel. And the throwing of daggers has got to stop. We can destroy one another and frankly I can't have it, our son can't have it and my ex can't have it.

Morning breaks and the sun rises. I feel at peace again, a little uneasy as usual. But less burdened, less pained. I had a conversation this morning with the ex's best friend. The one I wrote about that we were throwing daggers over. We talked about the place that not only my ex and I are in but where the four of us are. They are unique and probably the only people that my ex and I both care about equally. So in a way we are all trying to figure out the new world order. In our conversation a message came up that I had heard before .... in times of darkness we need those that love us most to remind us of who we are in the light.

I've asked my nearest and dearest to not help me figure out my finances or my housing situation or things like that. I have asked them to watch out for me. To help me figure out how to not be swallowed by the darkness that I knew was coming. Indeed they have walked the path with me through that darkness and although they haven't pulled me out completely, that would be wrong, they have pulled me back when I go to far. I am indeed grateful.

In my writing class this concept of having a group of people to help you see the light in the midst of darkness, came up again. It was ironic to me then because I knew months ago that this was the thing I needed.

For the message to come again today in talking with my friend, that tells me that the universe, the path, the spirit, is reminding yet again that I need those around me to remind me of the beauty of the world, of the beauty of me. I felt assured that I was not the only one who had heard that message.

I so often think I'm alone but I'm not. There is always a band of people around me, watching, making sure that I don't go to far. That I don't lose myself. That I don't lose the kindness and gentleness of my soul. I am lucky because so many others have lost those qualities. Lost their sense of giving love out into the world. And even though I spew anger and hate and frustration sometimes, in the end I just want to stay in the place of kindness and gentleness.

I don't hate my ex. My heart is not full of bitterness and hate. It's not. It's sad and broken and scared to death that I will no longer live in the light. But the message sent is that I will. I will and he will because all of us has a band of people who watch out and make sure that even though we are trudging through the mud we don't get stuck. That we keep moving forward, that we keep our chins up and that we remember that lightness and love is right there. always. no matter what.