Talking and Writing

I've spent countless hours rolling around the interwebs, exploring, reading people's lives, finding myself learning things about strangers that I never realized I wanted to know. Even more fascinating to me is what I've learned about the people I know. A few friends blog. Some more extensively than others, some just as introspective and revealing. The whole thing just fascinates me.

I wonder if there will come a time when verbal conversations will be a thing of the past. I doubt it. Most of the world actually likes talking face to face. In all honesty I'm not one of them. I'm too scared. Obviously. My level of honesty is less in person. I worry about the consequences of what I say, the perceptions of the person I'm talking to. My need to be what they want is so strong that it's difficult to well, be me.

It's interesting then that I've developed relationships with people that are largely via writing. Words exchanged, countless words, soul bearing words. But in the end the words shared in these "conversations" are probably the most honest I've spoken.

Even now, going through life these days, I have friends that read this blog
who live near by. I could sit across a table and pour my head out with them over coffee. But I don't. So many people have said to me that they feel they haven't done anything for me as I struggle through finding my feet again. I smile. Reading here, listening, means more to me than I could express.

The things that I write are my truest form, my purest thoughts, my uncensored self. And even if I never verbalize to someone what I've written it doesn't make it less real for me. The fact that you are reading means something to me. It means a lot to me.

Safety is always an issue for me. Maybe not safety. More trust. I have the "trust issues". Then on top of that I'm so non-verbal that I struggle to communicate verbally. My ability to hold a conversation is a learned skill, honed from years of expectations and the need to make a living. But I'm so stuck in my head that to verbalize is ridiculously difficult to me. I wonder at this point if I have some communication disorder.

I mean I could not verbalize what I'm saying right now if I was sitting down across from you. It's exhausting. To have to communicate verbally. I'd rather sit in silence or listen to someone talk to me, telling me stories, revealing themselves to me. The thing is I don't know how to learn to talk. Or well, talk in an honesty way where I'm present when I talk. Right now a big part of me disconnects from the words coming out of my mouth.

People have come to read me to understand me. My ex would even tell me that he understood me more after reading my thoughts. Most people say this to me. And part of me feels bad that I can't seem to have the same effect by talking. God knows I want to be understood. How many times have I said that? Sigh. I don't know. Right now I'm worried that I'll always have this veneer in front me that hinders my ability to verbally communicate. Because really what am I supposed to do? Tell everyone, including future men (oh yes, future men! woo hoo!) in my my life to go read my blog to understand? That doesn't seem right.

For now, I communicate this way and hope that people understand.