Ugly

If I didn't believe that someone, somewhere thought I was beautiful I would jump onto the freeway. I feel horrid and ugly. Incapable of being a good ex, a positive person, anything at all except vindictive and horrible. I'm angry and every time I see him I want to spit on him and crush him. Hurt him. Be ugly and horrible. I'm tired. Exhausted from the disagreement and power trips. I'm tired of the hooks that only those who you have shared the most intimate parts of you can get access too. I once said to someone ... "why argue when you can't have make up sex?" ... well, this has become my life. An argument. A constant argument. A constant bitchy person. And I can't stop.

Here I am, away from Wordpress, my blog client of choice because my ex threatened that he "owns" the blogs and would turn them off if I stop saying "bad" things about him. So I moved them. I'm sure someone will tell him about it. I can't stay hidden forever. But then again, I should be able to say whatever I need to say. The gamut of emotions that I'm going through ... this caldron of anger that I've turned into. What do I say? I mean I either write the anger or I throw up all over him whenever I see him.

Today it wouldn't have mattered. I called him a liar. He blew up. I don't care. He is a liar. He lied. The 9 months that we were "working on it" were a lie. The telling everyone in our daily lives that I was "throwing away" our marriage, that I was just "confused". All of that a lie. A bold face fucking lie. A lie that is so convincing that no mutual friend has chosen to remain friends with me. I've said this all before. I just need to move on. I need to move on. I need to put a metal guard on the holes that he hooks into. But I don't know how. Fuck. I'm so upset. This makes no sense.

I'm beautiful. I deserve more. I will have more. I just have to keep moving forward. The holes will heal. The hooks will dissolve. I hope.