What it Means in the End

It's all done. He stopped loving me a long time ago, months ago. Time where we were "working on things" we weren't. Or maybe we were and the other part of us was preparing for the inevitable. I'm shocked. I'm hurt. I'm stupid for not realizing it sooner. And I don't know what to do now. I don't know what to think or even how to process this. It's hurtful and painful.

Here I was being blamed for throwing it away and not working on things when he wasn't either. Does this happen to everyone that goes through a divorce? Is every relationship an illusion until the end? Then you realize that it was a lie for longer than you ever imagined.

He has no guilt. And that is proof that he doesn't love me any more. But it's over and I guess he shouldn't love me any more. So what do I do now? I am swimming in rapids when I thought I was floating in shark-infested waters. Two totally different techniques in surviving.

Survival is what it is in the end, isn't it? I deserve more. I will have more. I just have to keep moving forward. I have to keep swimming. Keep swimming. Just learn the truth. See the truth. This is what it is. There is nothing I can do to change it now. I have no control. The person that I thought I married isn't that person. We have each changed. Or maybe we were always these people. Maybe we always had this relationship. But I will never know. It is what it is and it's really over. And it is so over that 12 years of love can be forgotten in less than 2 months.

Time will tell if yet again the one after is the one for my ex. My history shows that to be the case. But it is more serious than a one night stand. It's more meaningful. Sigh. I'm not jealous. That's not the emotion. I don't even think I'm angry. Or if I'm angry I'm not angry that he has moved on. I am angry that he didn't love me enough to mourn for longer than a few months. 12 years. I mean I wanted this divorce. I pulled the trigger. I pushed the ball over the cliff. And despite all of that I am still mourning the dream of our love. I am mourning the loss of my lover and best friend of 12 years. And now I'm angry that he could discard it so easily.

But that is who we are. When the world is gray to you as it is to my ex I think it taints you. Things don't mean as much. You don't feel as deeply. You don't know the depths of sorrow but you also don't know the ecstasy of love. So connections, changes are easier. You move on. It's quick, simple and relatively easy. But I think those that feel the world need more time. I have felt depression greater than I would wish on my enemy but I have also felt an amazing joy and ecstasy of moments, lovely moments. So when something ends, I mourn for awhile. I question whether love will ever exist again. If indeed life will resume and spring will come.

And there in as simple of terms as I can put it is the difference. The irreconcilable differences that have always existed between us. And it is no surprise that in the end those differences would present themselves again. He said today that I will eventually move on and be able to be friends. I tried to say no that's impossible. I want to be angry forever. I want to hate him for being able to disregard me so easily. But I know that I can't. I can't be angry forever. It's not my way. And right now stupid me wishes that it was. I wish that I could be angry forever. I wish I could hate someone forever. I could hold a grudge and never forget. But I've learned that I'm just not that way. So I will forgive him. I will find love and understanding and peace again. I will figure out how to not be angry. I will realize that just because he can let go and move on so much quicker it doesn't mean that I'm less lovable. It doesn't mean there is something WRONG with ME. And it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him.

I wonder if I'm the only one in the world one has reacted this way. I doubt it.