Fuck Him

I am so fucking pissed off right now I am spitting nails. I am a fool. Truly a fool I have spent 3 months dealing with the anger and resentment of my soon to be ex-husband. I have been yelled at and told that I am throwing away 12 years. Told that I am neurotic and insane and confused and so many other fucking horrible things and I took it. I took every word. I took every fucking grain of it and I rarely pushed back. I just swallowed it. I didn't argue back. I even spent Christmas with him and his family that has HATED me for 12 years in a trailer park in Florida serving as the baby sitter so they could talk shit about me and our divorce. I took that. Oh and I'm not being paranoid, it happened. I got the play by play of the conversation. I stayed and tried to help him through it, help myself through it. I knew he had a right to be angry. So I was there for him. I listened. I took it over and over again. But the whole time I'm going through it to.... alone. a lot by choice. I didn't have to. I chose to go through it alone. .... I thought we could keep a friendship. This concept of a two-parent family without being married. ... I'm an idiot. Because I have been so disrespected by him and he doesn't give a flying fuck. He doesn't care.

He has spent a week away, fucking some other girl. Not sleeping because he is fucking. And not just fucking some stranger or some sweet girl that he can have a relationship with. No, he's fucking a girl from Canada that his best friend was fucking. They discussed it, his best friend and him and decided it was ok. Oh, and she's married. It's an open marriage so she's not cheating but whatever. I didn't know he was going on a swingers trip.

But you know what is worse, I wrote about this in private mode. I gave the password to 5 people, none of which are close friends with my ex. Why because I didn't want anyone to think badly my ex. I knew this was a private thing. ... yada yada ... and also because we share a few common friends. Some of those people read this. So I wasn't going to out what my ex had done. I thought he might feel shame fucking some stranger 3 days after completing mediation. I thought he might feel I don't know bad that he is fucking someone after basically torturing me and calling me the bitch for 3 months. I thought he might not want everyone one to know. But I was wrong. He has told probably every person that he's talked to and sadly some of these people are mutual friends. What does this make me look like to them? Do you think anyone said ... hey, isn't that a little soon? Or how about we try, wow, I wonder how she will feel about this? No yet again I'm the one that is disrespected and who's emotions are disregarded. Yet again. And this time he made sure that our friends knew about it too. I don't know maybe he wanted the congratulatory pat on the back of having fucked someone so quickly. I doubt he got it. Regardless he didn't think of protecting me. Frankly, he doesn't really care about that any more.

I'm so tired of being nice. Of taking the higher road of thinking of what HE feels, what HE needs, what HE wants. Just fuck it because it doesn't do any good. He will not think of anyone outside of himself in this situation. It's all about him now, well, it was always about him. But I tried to make sure that even though it was inconvenient for him and he didn't really want to be a father any more, well, he still has a son to think about. That we need to be civil for our son. But then again he doesn't even really give a FUCK about him either. I mean 7 days he has been gone now and he calls once to talk to his son. Just once. I guess he was too busy fucking. So now my lovely ex fucking selfish prick of a husband can't bother to help me make OUR son feel comfortable in our house.

You see he is too tired from staying up late and he was going to stay up all night tonight too so the fact that our son is struggling with sleeping in a new place doesn't matter. He'll call me when he's back in Denver. Yeah, fuck that. Don't call. Don't call unless you have my son and it's an emergency. I even suggested that after a week of being gone that maybe he would like to take our son for a few days. No. Not really. He said let's start the visitation cycle. It would give him time to recover. Who cares if he hasn't seen or talked to his little boy. Just so you know, he doesn't see him until Wednesday. So that will basically be about 10 days with 1 moment of contact.

Yet the world sees my ex as the perfect dad, the logical one, the one that makes the good decisions, the kind one, the good one. And me, I'm the neurotic, emotional, confused, fly by the seat of my pants mom. But you know what fuck it, I'm done hiding the way my ex really is.  I'm done.

People have asked me why I didn't react with more venom when I found out the news of my ex's fuck vacation. The comment got my panties in a bunch but you know what they are right. I've allowed myself to become a doormat. And my ex is so used to wiping his feet on me that why stop now. I am too forgiving of those I care about. But fuck him now. Fuck him.

And before anyone thinks that I'm upset about this because I thought there was hope for us reconciling, you're wrong. I'm upset because the man that I spent 12 years of my life with, was FAITHFUL to for 12 years basically threw me away in 3 days. Yet I'm the one that threw our marriage away. And another thing, I know that he has a right to do this, we aren't married any more (well, technically, we are) but if you were a good person, would you do this? And the last thing, I know we joked about this happening. But never in a million years did I think it would come true. But the silver lining, at least he got it over with quick. Yeah, that is a silver lining. The other silver lining, I'm pissed. I'm not a door mat. And I forgot that I wasn't. But I'm not forgetting any more.