Pursuit of Drugs

I sleep a lot. I'm tired. My meds aren't working as well as they should be. And I'm taking them every day. I need a new one though. I'm not through the woods where my coping skills can take over. I still need the boost of the drug. God how weird it is to need a drug. But it's ok. It's not the first time and won't be the last. It is the first time though that I'm not settling.

See before I would get to this point. I'm dull, numb. The world is hazy and beige. I'm not wanting to jump off a cliff. But I'm not wanting to move. I just sit. Sleep. Sit. Sleep. Work. Sit. Sleep. Yup. That's it. I really don't even eat. I eat peanuts and pepsi and that's it. Thank God my mom cooks dinner for me 2-3 times a week or else I might turn into an elephant. But I think I'll move when I feel the need. I don't feel the need right now. I'll just sit.

Just sitting is not normal. Sitting and healing is normal, healthy. I'm not healing. Or if I am it's through osmosis. I guess I could pretend. But I don't. I went to dinner with two friends last week.

They both know me fairly well. Both are aware of my internal nature. One of them reads me so well we could have a conversation with looks. It's hysterical. I enjoyed our time together. But I was sitting. I engaged but not as fully. I struggled for conversation. I can talk about other things but it's hard. I come to kind of expect that to be the norm.

But it shouldn't be. Thus the need for a new drug. Because the drug doesn't fix the problem but it helps you be able to look at the problem. The side effects are a pain and one of the main side effects of Zoloft is lack of motivation. Isn't that just ironic? And I'm tired of it. I've been on it for a few months now. It's time for a new one.

BTW - even if I sit in silence I still enjoy your company.