Anxious

I'm out of sorts today. Things aren't filed into the correct category. Love is in the hate category. Pride is in the shame category. Hate is somewhere in miscellaneous. I feel all discombobulated. This finalizing of the divorce petition before things are final with the adoption just feels wrong. Wrong because I'm agreeing on paper that the ex doesn't have rights to my son. On what planet does that make sense? Planet earth to some people because it's happening to me, right now.

I am afraid that I'm going to walk into the mediation session tomorrow and there will be a game plan in place. I'm a trusting fool. I trusted someone I never should have. He swore a million times left and right sideways and back ways that he wouldn't do this with the adoption. Just like he swore he never consulted a lawyer. I feel like I'm walking into a room with no protection and I have to fight for what is mine and fight for what is my son's.

But I'm scared. The formula says more than we discussed. He wants to be able to have a life. He says that over and over and over again. And only a small part of me says - what about me? what about my life? more importantly, what about my son's life? I want to be amiable and kind. Fuck where has that ever gotten me. Used. Abused. Overlooked. Unhappy and miserable. But then if I'm not then he won't like me. he won't like me. what the fuck is wrong with me. seriously. that is what i'm worried about. yes because i want everyone to like me.

missy me. listen here. this is your adult self talking now. (no, I don't want to listen to you.) Yes. you WILL listen to me. This isn't about you. It's not about someone liking you. It's not about someone picking you last on the kick ball team. It's not about someone criticizing you for being too loud or too meek or too stubborn or too anything. This is about protecting yourself!! And more importantly protecting that little boy sleeping in the other room who needs you to protect him. There is no one else in the world except you who are going to do that. We don't have to be a bitch. But we have to not compromise on what you need, on what HE needs. Now go finish that pint of ice cream before it melts.