someone wrote to me and said that he can't quite believe it. my ex seems to not have a bad bone in his body. i know he's not the only one to think that. many people think it's me. it's all me. i'm the evil one. i'm the one with the fucked up brain and the anger issues. i'm the one to blame. all me. yup. all me. it just fucking pissed me off to read that. he isn't a close friend, all of the mutual close friends are gone to Team Ex. but it stings.
today i am gathering the rest of the stuff that i will take out of the house. the ex is closing on it at the end of the month and will be returning in mid-july with new girl friend to gather things up for his move. he wanted me to save things in the kitchen for them to go through and decide that they want. ROFLMAO!!!! yeah... right. sure thing. but sadly, i didn't want much. so have at it.
but i was there and the yard is just horrible. i mean knee high grass in the back yard. i haven't lived there in 6 months and to see it go to hell in a hand basket is not easy. it's dirty and smells a little off but whatever. one of my noisy neighbors came in to bitch at me about how her 75 year old husband had to mow the lawn. i looked at her and flat out said, i don't care, talk to the ex. i don't live here any more. she didn't like that answer.
i am forever suppose to continue the illusion that every problem was always me. that the mess in the house was me. that the lawn not mowed was me. that the weeds not cut down was me. is everything bad my fault. i freely admit to my faults in this marriage. i admit to the things i did wrong. but it's just gotta stop. it has to. i can't take it. i can't forever be held responsible for holding up the illusion.
even my mother, she said to me today that the outside of the house should at least look decent so that people won't complain. i was livid. why? why? why do I have to continue the illusion for a place i haven't lived in in 6 months? why do I have to continue to pretend that my ex never had a horrible, bad, ugly bone in his body? why? for nosy neighbors. for acquaintances. fuck these people. all of them. each and every one of them for thinking that it's ALL me.
i want this month to be done. then i never have to see him again. i never have to listen to his angst at giving up visitation and a relationship with his son. i don't have to listen to how utterly selfish he is. oh and he thinks he's not selfish because he didn't just leave everything and go to Canada from the get go. (rolling my eyes) wow, thanks. he even thinks of the final day he will see my son, that his girl friend should be there for "support" it's going to "hard" on him. i am supposed to be sympathetic. you are fucking kidding me right. he is basically walking away from a little boy, not thinking about his kid's emotional needs... just his need to be supported. oh my fucking god. oh then forget about the impact on ME or MY needs. Or MY fears at being the only person to support this kiddo for the rest of his life. Or the impact on my family in seeing his girl friend. Oh my god. How could I be so foolish for so long? how?
then i hate the insensitive comment "you wanted the divorce." ... the unspoken phrase "so you should be happy and stop bitching" rings in my ear. i lived in an illusion for so long and to grieve YEARS of my life just doesn't happen over night. i don't care about seeing him again. bye bye don't let the door hit you on the way out. bye bye now. but having lived that illusion, for that i blame myself. it's all my fault. and the fucked up thing is that no one disagrees with me. my marriage failed because of ME and just ME.
i want to just live in a hole with nothing. i know why people choose drugs and alcohol to escape because then they can just say fuck it all and pass out under a tree when the alcohol forces them to. maybe i should just do that. it would be easier.
i am so sick of living my life according to the illusions of others. even out of the house i was waiting for him to decide what his life was going to be so then i would know what my life was going to be. how fucked up is that?
maybe i deserve this life after all. i am totally fucked up right now. i am tired. i am at the end of my rope after two weeks of my son not falling asleep until 11, 11:30, midnight, 12:30. but i have to do it right because he can't and he has the privilege of walking away. but well, i wanted this so i should be happy.
oh my god, i'm going insane.
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