surrender

i don't know what i'm doing. i'm truly freaked out. i've never been so freaked out. i can't breathe. i can't hear anything except the beating of my own heart and the nausea building in my throat. i think i've finally bitten off more than i can chew. and i'm afraid that i won't ever be able to be ok. i don't know how to create stability. i just know chaos. and chaos is what i'm in right now. i was like this before. when the ex and i first moved to colorado. we were also minus 200 in the hole at the start of every pay check. for weeks. months. i'm going to be like that now. i get paid. i can't pay my rent. i'll figure out a way but then i can't pay the car. or the phone. or the food. it will be ok. it will be ok. it will be ok. i don't know. i have no idea how but it's going to be ok. there is no option. it has to be. i took the leap of faith. i followed the path. the school is worth it. now figure out the rest.

quiet yourself and hear the path. it's there. you know it's there. have faith. faith. faith. all is as it needs to be in this moment. i will make this. i will survive this. i will be okay. i will not be homeless. i will not lose my car. i will not lose my phone. i will not starve. it will be okay. 4 job interviews in 3 weeks. when was the last time that happened. never. a school with a 2:1 ratio (teacher:child) for free. a safe place to live. electricity, cable. internet. a home phone. the path is here. quiet yourself in the faith of what you know. surrender to the path. surrender to the journey and you will be lead where you need to be. listen to the quiet and it will come. it will come. it has to. there isn't any other option. send me prayers. send me peace. give peace. give stillness. give love. give faith. give hope. give and i'll receive. surrender and i will see. all is safe. all is quiet. all is good. trust in god. trust in you. trust in your faith. quiet.

there is a road

no simple highway

between the dawn and the dark of night

if you go, no one may follow

that path is for your steps alone