Take a load off

it's quiet. the crickets chirp. the soft babbling of my child in the other room. the constant conversation of my roommates that i'm never involved in. my cat meows. but i sit tortured in the midst of the quiet. alone. lonely. reminded that despite the longing for connection i will not be a part of yet another group.

it hurts. it hurt when i was in elementary school and the tall girl with the size C breasts. it hurt when i was the fat clarinet player in junior high. it hurt when i was the loner who ate lunch in the bathroom at lunch. it hurt when i watched my roommates find themselves in college. it hurt when my co-workers never invited me for lunch. it hurt when my ex-husband stopped seeing me. and it hurts when two recently divorced people can't see my need for companionship and understanding too.

so i confess to a black wall of strangers. faceless people who i will never know the names of. some silent partners in the demons of loneliness that haunt us.

we sit together sometimes in the bottom of my well. i'm there now. weeping softly. wishing the hurt away. consoling the child hurt, the teen age hurt, the young adult hurt, the married hurt, and now the divorce hurt. it's too much for one person.

suddenly I hear these words.

Take a load off Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off Fanny
And (and) (and) you can put the load right on me

It's Gods thoughts. It's my mom's thoughts. And maybe right now it's some strangers thoughts that I'll never know.