This moment

It's all weird. I am depressed. Yeah like that's big news to anyone. I've been depressed for months now. Some days and weeks more than others! But it's settled into this slow fade, this trickle of sleeping every chance I can get and fading into just feeling these emotions.

Tonight I dropped my son with my ex. It was the first time to see him since he got back. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to show emotion, because I don't understand really what I'm crying about. Loss. I feel like I have loss everything and indeed I have. It isn't an illusion that I'm losing my marriage, my house, my car, my son 50% of the time, my income, the security of the life I knew. Those are not illusions. That's reality. And to feel that reality is sad.

I feel discombobulated. I knocked slightly on the door of my former house. I mean what are you suppose to do in that situation. I mean I have a key to the house. Shouldn't I just walk in? That's why I did the courtesy knock, right? I mean is there protocol some where. I don't know but it was weird. My son was there in front of his favorite speaker. My ex stood up. I didn't know what to do. So I put on the brave face and I put his clothes back that had been packed, give him the Valentine's Day cards and the radio. He follows me. And then I cry. We both cry. We both hug. My friend. This friend that has hurt me. And I've hurt too.

We both cry. For different reasons probably but the same core. The mourning of our loss of the life we had. The fear of building a new separate life. That we are in this situation. That we are now here. Even though here is exactly where we need to be. He tells me that he is sorry he hurt me. I say nothing or I say "it's ok." isn't it? It kinda has to be. True to my form I am unable to hold a grudge, to stay angry. I am still hurt. He tells me about meeting her and he glows. I'm not jealous, I'm not anything. I just know that I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know. I don't need to know. The boundaries of our separate yet joint lives has begun.

I walk out the door after a bit and realize ... I'm not a mom right now. It's not like when I left the house before. When we are apart we parent as single parents, unless it's an emergency and well then that's different. So I drive off into my first night of singlehood. And I feel lost. I wasn't good at being single in my 20s, why would I be now?

I manage as usual. The mundane tasks of getting dinner. I go to visit my mom at work, to look at the couches. I feel like I'm stuck in house planning mode. This need to nest and protect and create a home. I don't feel single. I don't feel like I can do whatever I want. I'm stuck. I buy a spatula and tongs along with a Hawaiian Punch. Drive to my grandma's to watch Law & Order (good one btw) and then come home. And here I am.

I no longer hang out in the living room like I did for years when I was married. Now I go to my bedroom. This little sanctuary that I feel safe in. It's funny in that I want to buy things for my bedroom - pretty shams, a bed skirt. I want to make it feel like mine. But the rest of the house ... it's still half-packed, nothing put away and it doesn't bother me. Its' different to me that my life has become this bedroom.

But in the safety of it, with my cat curled next to me, I just feel. This will pass. I will move forward but for now I rest in feeling sad and quiet. Knowing that I have told my ex that there is something about his life I don't want to know about. The first of many things I'm sure. But it's weird to think that this person who I shared everything with now has a part of him that I don't know about. And I guess there is a part of me that he doesn't know about either. I laugh though because well guess what, I write. Everything. And he reads. Everything. But to not have to discuss what I've written with him makes me feel the separation. And that's good.

It's safe to be here now. It's where I need to be. Quiet.

Ok

Today was a day. My head was stretched in my places. My heart strained and worried yet resilient and hopeful. Days like today tire me.

Why is it that you always want to solve a problem? Someone you care about is hurting and you want to solve, provide advice, guide them. Yet in the end all they really want you to say is .... Everything will be ok.

Today people from my G-rated blog reacted to my post on the elephant in the room - my divorce. Most of the people there don't read here. Most of the people that read there don't "know" me. They think they do, but not really. It's my life as a mom and life as mom is challenging (oh GOD yes!) but in the end it's a happy life, not full of the introspective crap that spews from my brain here. Some of the reaction was quite profound, but for the most part I wish more people would have simply said, "everything is going to be ok."

I signed the lease for my apartment today. It's official. I'm moving out. Oh God. Wow. Oh God. Wow. I talked to my husband (when do I start calling him my son's dad?) and expressed this oscillation between excitement and terror. It's real now. His response, "everything is going to be ok." He's learned over the years that when I'm freaking out all I REALLY want to hear is exactly that.

Yet again thought the ultimate teacher is my son. He reminds me that when we are hurting and in pain we don't want a solution. We'll find a solution. It's a given. We just want someone that we love to curl their arms around us, pat us on the head and say it's all going to be ok. I love you and you are safe with me. Everything is going to be ok.

It's alright

Tonight we listened to Live at Central Park by Simon & Garfunkel.  Paul Simon is a poet. So many lines, so many words from him console me and make me feel like some where, some one has felt what I feel right now and gotten through it. Tonight when I heard American Tune, I felt that way.

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home

I am confused and weary to my bones at the moment. I can't expect to feel buoyant right now because I am so very far from home. I don't think I would recognize home if it hit me in the head. I looked at apartments today. Dingy, yucky apartments that I can afford on a part-time income while going back to school. None of them felt like home and I wondered if any of them ever would. It terrifies me to think of starting over. But I'm alright. I'm alright. I have to be.

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to its knees
but it's all right, it's all right
for we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the
road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong

Each of us has moments of our souls being battered, of questioning our path and our choices. I too don't have a friend that feels at ease. Even those that have a good life have moments and days where they wonder what has gone wrong, what is changing, why can I not catch a break here. I hate platitudes. I'm a big picture person. Big picture is wrong and I'm wrong. It's the way that it is. I don't make small changes. I take things and blow them up. I've done it over and over again. This is no different. I'm just reeling from the after shock of it. I have been driven to my knees and I have no where to go but up. Perhaps that is the best place to be?

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was crying

My soul, inner parent, big person does smile down upon myself reassuringly. I know it will all be just fine. But I'm crying at the loss of freedom, the loss of the dream. It's ethereal to feel this way. To know in my soul that it is alright, but feel so lost in the moment of my daily life. I want to skip from this moment to a year from now, 10 years from now, when the ripples will have died down and I can see clearly that it is alright. But as I've said before today is not someday. Today I still need to feel the ripples and be ok with the losses. I need to pick up from my knees and continue forward.

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest

By nature my way is to be bold, to sail off into an unknown land or unconquered territory. I know this about myself because it's always been this way. I have been blessed in my life. Truly. Blessed. With the choices I made when I was younger I should not be here now. I should be living a trailer in Kansas missing all of my front teeth and hollerin' for Dale Jr number four. Truly. But tomorrow is another day. It's another working day. And sometimes I just need some rest.

This blog is my rest. The thoughts that spew out of me. I find consolation in them. Working through the things that I think about. It will be alright. All alright. I'm just weary to my bones and need some rest so I can stand up to live another day.

Scarlet O'Hare would be so proud.

Graceful Exits

Sadly, things come to an end. Today I have thought a lot about the difference between gracefully ending and tragically ending. Sometimes you are given a choice, sometimes you are not. Indeed it is the thinnest of lines.

I am slowly ... VERY slowly ... learning that indeed I am not in control of nothing. People like to think they are but in the end you can only control your reaction to what happens to you.

Yesterday I was told that I was being replaced. Was it expected? partially. Was it less painful because it was expected? no. Starting the afternoon I wanted to have a positive attitude although i was shaken. it was one more change that i didn't want. but quickly my attitude deteriorates.

i try to futilely hold on to not let this become a bad exit, a tragic ending. But then it goes. I am crying. I see the distress and pain on my friends faces. But I'm tired of keeping things in and pretending that I'm not hurt by the decision, that being replaced has not tapped a core flaw for me. I have to walk away because I couldn't get it back.  The ending no matter what I wanted was going to end badly. I eventually did but it reminded me of how thin the line is when something ends.

To end something gracefully is difficult. To hold on to your caring for the other people involved is by no means easy but so necessary. In the coming days I hope I can remember that.

Just when you think

Some days I feel like no one will ever listen. No one ever hears me. Then I go and write something and I'm reminded that indeed people are listening.

I'm a loner. Lots of reasons why all going back to the whole trust and abandonment issues. I internalize and always believe  that my feelings and worries are not worth the time and attention of those that care for me. So what do I do - the healthy thing. I shrink away into some far off place and get pissed that no one noticed. Ah yes, neurosis at it's finest.

Then one of the loyals (those that have proven their friendship to me so many times that quite frankly they would rather puke then have to do it again) pops up and says, "hey what the hell are you doing? Stop the madness. Remember we covered this topic in 1998."

I shake from my internal world long enough to bask in the sunshine and realize that indeed I am not so bad. Today is not the day to wallow in some fabricated worried shit that I have made up any way.

The universe must have been listening because we had a beautiful, crisp fall day. I was grateful and found myself smiling at least once today.

[caption id="attachment_661" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Mountain view from my cell phone. Why don't I carry my camera with me all the time?"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_662" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The trees are almost done with the change. "][/caption]

I'm not going to talk about the crap shit that went on at work. Who wants to ruin an ok mood? I'll save it for another day.