Friend Fatique

Exhausted by the sheer tsunami of negativity that can be me. Bound by love they want to help and listen and support but how long can one person be expected to support another. a week? a month? a year? forever?

it pains me. i fight between my internal demon voice that tells me "you are worth nothing" and the external angel voice that says "yes you are." it's consuming and powerful. the constant fight.

on a normal day i can keep it at bay. some times with a little encouragement, most days with none. now, i can't. now the demon speak to those that love me. I say to them, "i'm not worth it. stop wasting your time on me." crying behind the demon that laughs at it's ability to control.

one can only respond, "yes you are worth. I am not wasting my time." so many times. especially when the person doesn't see me, doesn't live my daily life with me. so many people that care for me live far far away. they read snippets of moments, dark, desperate moments. they get less light.

i don't know what to do. i don't have words to describe what my life is at the moment, the ebb and flow that is worse than any depression or death I have experienced. the uncertainty of moments drives me insane. the continuing chaos and need to settle and readjust and readjust and readjust is .... i have no clue how to tell someone.

the hardest part is the fatique that i know my friends feel, whether they tell me or don't tell me. i need people right now. but they need to protect themselves too. i don't want to push away and become a hermit but i would rather be a crab then feel the rejection. even though i understand it, right now i feel every loss and separation (healthy or not) 50 million times worse than it should be.

i need advice. how do i not exhaust everyone around me? ... and then how do I not feel abandoned by people who in reality will never abandon me but yet need to take care of themselves and their life?

comment please someone. comment.

Light

There are moments when I feel the connection to the universe, the divine, grace, God, the spirit, the path .... whatever you want to call it. And I never see it coming. it just comes.

Yesterday was a bad day. It found me in the morning completely breaking down. My ex and I had thrown more daggers, hit the bulls-eye and I lost it. I didn't want to be this person. I'm not that person. I'm kind and gentle. I'm thoughtful. I'm deeply concerned with people and their emotions. I'm not bragging or thinking I'm better, I'm just saying. Ok, why am I explaining myself. Fuck! ok, back to the point.

I was just not being me. And then when did I turn into the raving bitch that was arguing with my ex, throwing the daggers? I sobbed with him. I couldn't explain at the time. I hung up. All day I was off kilter. I had to leave work I couldn't deal. I was close to tears all day and I prayed the day would end soon. We reconnected later that day. I told him a version of this. The bottom line is that we need to treat each other the way that we feel, which is full of respect and kindness. Truly in the end that's what I feel. And the throwing of daggers has got to stop. We can destroy one another and frankly I can't have it, our son can't have it and my ex can't have it.

Morning breaks and the sun rises. I feel at peace again, a little uneasy as usual. But less burdened, less pained. I had a conversation this morning with the ex's best friend. The one I wrote about that we were throwing daggers over. We talked about the place that not only my ex and I are in but where the four of us are. They are unique and probably the only people that my ex and I both care about equally. So in a way we are all trying to figure out the new world order. In our conversation a message came up that I had heard before .... in times of darkness we need those that love us most to remind us of who we are in the light.

I've asked my nearest and dearest to not help me figure out my finances or my housing situation or things like that. I have asked them to watch out for me. To help me figure out how to not be swallowed by the darkness that I knew was coming. Indeed they have walked the path with me through that darkness and although they haven't pulled me out completely, that would be wrong, they have pulled me back when I go to far. I am indeed grateful.

In my writing class this concept of having a group of people to help you see the light in the midst of darkness, came up again. It was ironic to me then because I knew months ago that this was the thing I needed.

For the message to come again today in talking with my friend, that tells me that the universe, the path, the spirit, is reminding yet again that I need those around me to remind me of the beauty of the world, of the beauty of me. I felt assured that I was not the only one who had heard that message.

I so often think I'm alone but I'm not. There is always a band of people around me, watching, making sure that I don't go to far. That I don't lose myself. That I don't lose the kindness and gentleness of my soul. I am lucky because so many others have lost those qualities. Lost their sense of giving love out into the world. And even though I spew anger and hate and frustration sometimes, in the end I just want to stay in the place of kindness and gentleness.

I don't hate my ex. My heart is not full of bitterness and hate. It's not. It's sad and broken and scared to death that I will no longer live in the light. But the message sent is that I will. I will and he will because all of us has a band of people who watch out and make sure that even though we are trudging through the mud we don't get stuck. That we keep moving forward, that we keep our chins up and that we remember that lightness and love is right there. always. no matter what.

Influence

I write about the things that hit me from the external world a lot. And I'm especially inspired by words that others choose to share, whether they wrote them themselves or they borrowed them from someone else. And lately, I've read a lot of messages that strike me.

When you nurture yourself, you become grounded and resilient.

When you are ignoring your needs, you lose stability and your center.

When completely taking care of yourself, you best serve (both yourself and) those you love.

Is there really anything else you can say? I will say that I'm good at ignoring my needs. Do people do my laundry, clean my house or fill up my cpap machine? Yes, all the time. But then are those needs? They are conveniences yes. But I wouldn't really call them a need. Needs are core elements that you need to acknowledge in some way or another and if you don't then you will lose your center. You will begin to lose the things about you that make you an amazing and beautiful person. In some ways I had begun to lose the things about me that make me well, me. Not because anyone made me but because I thought that is what you are "supposed to do" ... ignore your needs for others. Apparently it hasn't worked out for me. I wonder if I can learn in the future.

In the last few weeks, I have begun to take care of myself a little better and because of that my resilience and belief has come back more. I am able to love a little better. But it's oh so precarious. I wonder if it will get truly better?

"What you are now is what you have been.

What you will be is what you choose now." - Buddha

What I have been a lot of the time is a scared little girl. I view the world through the lenses of the pain of my childhood. You spend years looking at the world with the values and messages that your family gave you. The message is sometimes good and sometimes very bad. For me, I was taught that the world is a scary, frightening place where people will take advantage of you. The message was that I should sacrifice myself for others. That my needs, my wishes, and my desires were less than others, especially less then men. Oh I've done the therapy to work through this. I know the psychology of living your life by the values that your adult self sets, to see your childhood morals/values through the lens of the adult but it has been hard. So what I am is what I have been.

I seem to be making choices left and right these days. I wonder how it will influence me and how much closer I can get to showing the person I am inside. We shall see.

It's alright

Tonight we listened to Live at Central Park by Simon & Garfunkel.  Paul Simon is a poet. So many lines, so many words from him console me and make me feel like some where, some one has felt what I feel right now and gotten through it. Tonight when I heard American Tune, I felt that way.

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home

I am confused and weary to my bones at the moment. I can't expect to feel buoyant right now because I am so very far from home. I don't think I would recognize home if it hit me in the head. I looked at apartments today. Dingy, yucky apartments that I can afford on a part-time income while going back to school. None of them felt like home and I wondered if any of them ever would. It terrifies me to think of starting over. But I'm alright. I'm alright. I have to be.

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to its knees
but it's all right, it's all right
for we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the
road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong

Each of us has moments of our souls being battered, of questioning our path and our choices. I too don't have a friend that feels at ease. Even those that have a good life have moments and days where they wonder what has gone wrong, what is changing, why can I not catch a break here. I hate platitudes. I'm a big picture person. Big picture is wrong and I'm wrong. It's the way that it is. I don't make small changes. I take things and blow them up. I've done it over and over again. This is no different. I'm just reeling from the after shock of it. I have been driven to my knees and I have no where to go but up. Perhaps that is the best place to be?

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was crying

My soul, inner parent, big person does smile down upon myself reassuringly. I know it will all be just fine. But I'm crying at the loss of freedom, the loss of the dream. It's ethereal to feel this way. To know in my soul that it is alright, but feel so lost in the moment of my daily life. I want to skip from this moment to a year from now, 10 years from now, when the ripples will have died down and I can see clearly that it is alright. But as I've said before today is not someday. Today I still need to feel the ripples and be ok with the losses. I need to pick up from my knees and continue forward.

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest

By nature my way is to be bold, to sail off into an unknown land or unconquered territory. I know this about myself because it's always been this way. I have been blessed in my life. Truly. Blessed. With the choices I made when I was younger I should not be here now. I should be living a trailer in Kansas missing all of my front teeth and hollerin' for Dale Jr number four. Truly. But tomorrow is another day. It's another working day. And sometimes I just need some rest.

This blog is my rest. The thoughts that spew out of me. I find consolation in them. Working through the things that I think about. It will be alright. All alright. I'm just weary to my bones and need some rest so I can stand up to live another day.

Scarlet O'Hare would be so proud.

Beat

It is interesting to me that even now I struggle to figure out what I want without borrowing the words and thoughts of others. Inspiration comes from the world, of course. But, I've listened too hard for too long. The whispers of what people need and want are screams to me. Dictations of what I should be doing vs. mere suggestions. The silence is now deafening and I'm scrambling.

to be calm again and listen is difficult. to think is hard. at what point did I stop listening? I remember the day, the moment that I stopped listening. I had been living in San Rafael in an attic apartment for only about a month. It was my first apartment on my own and I struggled to find friends and any meaning in what to do next. I had finally moved out of the house boat I'd lived with my mom on. My heart was healing but still broken from a break up. I used to go home every night after work. Writing, reading, listening to music. I had no TV at the time. But I always came home because I felt like I needed to be home. Then one day I didn't. I went to the mall instead. I came home 2-3 hours later than normal. He had called. He wanted me to come home. He had reserved a ticket for me. I still wanted to go but it was too late. And in a moment the path of my life changed.

I will never say that the path between that moment and almost 13 years later was a mistake. It wasn't. I've learned, grown and changed a lot in the years that have passed. I have had some amazing, beautiful wonderful moments. I met my husband and regardless of the future, I am grateful for him helping me become this person. I wasn't this person years ago. I know that I needed to live without listening to my voice because I always took it for granted.  I thought that it was a foolish notion to listen to the beat of your own drummer. I stupid stupid saying that people throw around that means nothing in the real world. That is what I thought.

But I know now that in the years that followed that moment I stepped too far away from myself.  And in doing that I no longer listened to my voice, the whispered hush voice of my inner self. There were moments when the hush voice rose to a thundering cloud. Some changes were made but it was never enough. By that point I had stepped too far off the path. I was knee deep in listening to the world around me and I couldn't stop enough to get it back.

So here I am now. I cleared the path. Sprayed the weed killer. Captured the flowers. And I'm trying to quiet myself enough to learn how to listen again. Indeed I think we are meant to dance to the beat of our own drummer. It's not just a platitude or saying, for some people it is the truth. But then I think too much and I forget to breathe. I'm getting it all wrong. I've forgotten. I'm fucked.

No No No I'm not. I forget for a moment, perhaps two. Maybe I even need to nap to regain my sanity. But then I remember and I quiet enough to hear the soft whisper ...... this moment, this confusion, this searching, this is exactly where you need to be.

digging the well

it just happens. i wake up and i sulk. i'm in deep. i dig at the dirt walls of the well trying to rise out of it but i can't seem to do it. every moment is a reminder that i am just making it worse. so i sit in the well, dirt on my legs.

and then it happens. a spark of crystal light pierces the dirt that has gathered. i'm pulled out of it and float again. i'm able to stand. dust off. pack down the dirt a little bit more so i'm closer to surface level. still no sunshine in sight but at least i can see the crack of a blue sky. I strain on my tippy tippy toes to see if i can get out. but nope, not yet. so i settle back, pulling my knees closer, waiting for the next batch of dirt to gather.

Truth 2.0

Truth...

• I have no idea what I'm doing.


• I am terrified of being successful.


• I'm afraid no one will love me if they knew how truly imperfect I am.


• I always took the easy route because I was afraid to put my neck out. I still am.


• I'm still 12.


• I want to go back home and start all over again.


• I don't want to hear anyone's opinion on what my path should be.


• I long to be a hermit so I can run away and hide.


• I want to live at a hotel so I can have my meals delivered, my bed made and my bathroom cleaned for me.


• I stay up til 2am because I need to be exhausted to sleep.


• I smile to myself a lot and when I do I feel better.


• I know exactly what I need to do but I don't do it because I'm afraid that no one will understand.


• Other people's approval of me is more important than my own approval of me.


• I stopped living my life for me a long time ago.


• I'm afraid that I'll be perceived as selfish if I start thinking of me first. But I'm more afraid that I've forgotten how to think of me at all.


• I hate that I can't escape my brain.


• I'm afraid that people roll their eyes at me and find me narcissistic, when in actuality I'm just trying to figure it all out and not go insane.

Thoughts & Words.

I search for what to think. I search for what to feel. I search for a way to make it stop. But the searching just makes it worse.



Being who am I seems like such a lonely prospect. Because how do you move forward in being who you are when everyone already loves you for what you are not? Is it more important to be loved and lonely or to be hated and happy?



Sigh. I spent weeks discussing this with a therapist when I was 25 and about to graduate from college. But the fact is, I am just as afraid to succeed as I am to fail. If I don't try then I don't risk either. 13 years later and I guess it's safe to say that I decided not to try. My back against the wall, the demons lunging at me, then I decide. Thankfully I think I've made some good decisions but but but but I haven't. I made the easy route decision. How do I move forward without waiting until the demons come chopping?



That something is to find a way to move forward without hurting anyone. Change hurts.

Indeed.

Changing Love

Love. I wonder why this is on my mind right now. But it is.

The song above is called "Looks Like Rain". It's your typical 8 minute long Grateful Dead song and lord knows not everyone can make it through a Grateful Dead song so I'll summarize just in case you can't. The singers love has left him. And he is preparing for the sorrow that comes from the lost. But yet he knows that it's ok because he is still going to love her, even when she is gone, love remains.

This song has helped me through many endings - both love affairs and true deaths. Because for me, love remains. Oh yes does it hurt when it ends. Tremendous hurt. Gut-wrenching, soul-crushing hurt. But then it subsides and the love you had for that person, the good times, the good moments, the quirks of that person remain.

People have told me that I'm crazy. That when a relationship ends then that's it - fuck him or her! But it's not so simple and I think the death of my uncle taught me that. Losing him was earth shattering. He was my rock and a constant, unconditional source of love to me. After the pain subsided (which still hits me every now and then 2 years later), all that remained was the love that he had for me and the love I had for him. So I ask why would it be different for love affairs?

I guess the difference is that not in every love affair do you actually love the person. You love the idea of them. You love what they do for you. But do you love the warts and flaws as much as the beauty. There are very few people who I have loved this way - girls and boys. And no, I'm not bisexual. This has nothing to do with sex. When these relationships end or change, it is mind numbingly painful.

But I have to believe that down the road, love will remain. Whether or not the person stays in your life is debatable. I have had a few that have stayed and a few that have gone. I miss the ones who have gone tremendously.

The ones who remain are in a special, protected space in my heart. We had the audacity to accept that each of us is imperfect but still worth loving. Even if the nature of the relationship had to change, it's ok because in letting the relationship evolve you are acknowledging how important that person is to you. That the love between you is more important than the status of your relationship.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone. I can't seem to find the right words to describe what I want to say. But I know what I know to be true because as the singer in the song says .... "it's alright because I love you and that's not going to change."

Some Days

I wake up and the sun is fairly bright. Other days I wake up and it's not. Today is one of those days that it's not.

I feel horribly sad. Ovewhelmed.  Not sure what direction to go at this point. It just is not a good time. I was fine. Things had started to tie themselves up into a little box and I was ok with the little box. But now I feel like the box has been blow apart and spewed into a million little pieces.  Why? Why does this happen?

I want to be even and steady. I want to be calm and serene. I don't want to be chaotic. I don't want to feel like I'm a failure at everything in the world. Yet, here we are. But then the universe responds and I feel a little better.

"Promise me you'll always remember you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." - Christoper Robin to Pooh.

"On this day God wants you to know... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls."

Thankful

I could get mushy and wax poetically or dig deep and start some philosophical discussion about how we should be grateful every day. But I won't. Well, ok, maybe a little. I mean I have a lot of messed of crap that floats around and around my head. I need a place to write it. I don't know who reads but I think I might love you and that freaks me out a little bit. Because seriously who would choose to voluntarily READ the crazy shit that pours out of my mouth some days. Apparently though you do and for that I'm thankful.

Now go make a turkey sandwich. You know you want one.

Returning

[caption id="attachment_706" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Woman releasing butterflies."][/caption]

Butterflies are the great symbol of metamorphosis. We don't become butterflies. Butterflies are what the world asks us to create. As children we are our truest self. It's the reason we love children so much. Their effervescence and willingness to take risk, to step off a cliff with no fear. Their capacity to love freely. They don't hide what they feel or think. They are. And then looking at us with bold eyes they ask us to try to break their will. Sadly, I think sometimes we do.

When I think of myself and my childhood, I was a dreamer. My family will tell stories of me - when I was about 8 or 9 and I woke up crying on Christmas Eve because I was afraid that my uncle didn't have enough gifts. or when I was 4 or 5 and we were at Bob's and the waitress gave me a glass of milk and then put a straw in it. I looked at the waitress with my big blue eyes and calmly took the straw out and drank from the cup. Not spilling a drop.

These stories highlight for me that characteristics of who I am at my most basic of level - loving, kind, giving, determined, stubborn and defiant. If I were to make a list these adjectives would be the ones at the top of the list. always.

I talk a lot about changing. About being different. But when I think about changing I wonder if I really mean returning.

In therapy you learn that a lot of the anger you have comes from the dichotomy between your true self and the self you present to the world. I've been angry a very long time and that's because the gap, the Grand Canyon size gap, that I have created.

As we age we develop the mechanisms to protect ourselves and sometimes those mechanisms take us away from who we always were. Some would argue that we all have to let go of being a child with all the silly dreams, loving heart and determination. And for them, maybe that's true. But for me. I've stepped too far away from the core.

So I want to stand up and release the butterflies I've created. Instead I'll stand there and simply be. Maybe that is enough.

Cloudy with a chance of neurosis

Five days is a long time to not say anything. I don't have an explanation of why. Avoidance is the most likely reason. Uninspired is another. Well, uninspired is never the right word. Give me a blank page and I will give you plenty of words. Perhaps they will make sense and take me further down the road. More likely it is a rambling exploration of neurotic tendencies.

[caption id="attachment_693" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. "][/caption]

At lunch today after church one of my friends was not his normal self. This guy is great, full of life, always with a quick joke and a story to tell. His is one of those stories that I wish the world could hear. But today he was off. Tilted. The facade dropped multiple times and I wonder what I can do. Not much.

I have another friend whose partner suddenly decided that they were done with the marriage and left. They were together for 10 years and married perhaps 9 months. I can't fathom the reasons why this could happen without explanation. But all I can think of is the facade traps us.

I don't know how often I have been criticized either behind my back or full on in my face about not having a facade. I laugh at them .... well, after I cry about it in the privacy of the bathroom. ... if only they knew that not having a facade is a facade. Does that make any sense? And I did warn you, there was a chance of neurosis in this post.

That lack of knowledge is what has thrown some people for a loop lately. I've been more me and less the facade. Some people are shaking their heads wondering where the hell this person came from. Where as others are laughing their asses off that I get flack about it at all because I was always like this with them. All I know is it's exhausting and I look forward to the time ahead where the facade will be almost non-existent.

[caption id="attachment_694" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The appearance of people is not always reality. "][/caption]

A semi-stranger said to me the other day that I complain too much where as my husband has more of this world-view, full of introspection. I just wanted to tell the person to fuck off you don't know me.  But then I've heard this before. I complain. I worry. I am a "half empty" person. He is not. God bless him but he is not me. And yes, it seems like I constantly kvetch about something but maybe it's because I need to get this shit out of my brain before I explode.

A few days later I proceeded to basically verbally vomit over a friend once they asked a simple - "how are you?" I trust this person so they get unfiltered me pretty much all the time. But then I feel bad. I shouldn't just unload all my thoughts with those I trust because I've been having conversation after conversation with the same question and unable to tell THOSE people what I really think.

So in response to THOSE people asking me "how are you? ...... the singing blue birds crap on my head while pumping Public Enemy through their boom boxes and that raccoon on my walk through the neighborhood told me to fuck off. Welcome to my world view. Word.

So ... comments? anyone? ... hello? is this mike on?

Maybe I was wrong ....

Maybe I do need more acknowledgment of my contributions than I imagined.

Maybe I am an attention seeking monster.

Maybe it really, in the end, is all about me.

Maybe I am telling myself that I'm altruistic.

Maybe I'm lying that I don't need external validation.

Maybe I'm just trying to tell myself that so I feel better.

Maybe I really do want the spotlight.

Maybe I do want to be the center of the known universe.

Maybe it is all about me because it rarely is.

Sigh.

Maybe I don't know what to do.

But maybe, just maybe, I do.



I'm a believer in the coin toss. I tell people all the time (and I tell myself) that we all know what the decision is, the path is, the choice is. We know it as surely as we know that the sun will rise tomorrow. The difficulty is stopping long enough to listen to the voice that speaks in the split second that it takes you to toss a coin.

I'm not listening right now. White noise plays in my head. Static and opinions flood me. I've grown confused because the static grows louder.

Maybe I can turn it down just long enough to figure it out.

Perspective

Definitions:
1. the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship.
2. a way of regarding situations, facts, etc., and judging their relative importance

I have no way of writing on this without seeming narcissistic but what is one supposed to do. A blog by definition is a little ... mmm ... retrospective? So enough with the editing of myself.

Perspective is fascinating to me. We each have a unique one. Rarely do two people share the same one. Most interesting to me is when one's perspective of me collides with the perspective of myself. I always wonder which one is correct. I always wonder how there can be a difference.

As we all know, our family is getting a lot of attention right now. Not really me but us in general. A friend told me that I enjoy attention in general more than I'd like to admit to myself or others. And this took me down the rabbit hole as comments like this tend to. Now keep in mind, this person knows me fairly well.

The honest to God truth is that I don't seek public attention. I don't like to ever be up in front of a crowd of people fawning over me. I don't like awards and accolades. I would much rather be in the background. I would much rather allow someone else to shine. I would much rather someone give me praise and attention on a one-on-one basis.

It is illogical. I write this blog and our family blog, pouring myself out, exposing my emotions and myself to strangers. But in a way it is one-on-one. I'm not sitting in front of my computer with a dozen eyes on me, watching me do this, giving me feedback and praise (or criticism) while I write. It's private. The feedback is private. The attention is private.

So then how could our perspectives be so different. Why is there that split? It makes me feel as understanding someone is the most difficult thing in the entire planet. I think if I could have a gift, I'd have the gift of knowing everyone's perspective of me. (here's the narcissism) I think it would make me feel safe. Because then I would know or is there some other magic way that you learn someone's perspective of you? I know that seems like a stupid question but well, I don't know the answer.

I'm tired and going to sleep.

A little insight

Ever on the quest to explain myself a little clearer ... Britni's post on Myers-Briggs is fascinating. I have taken this "test" many a times. I love, love, love, love, love them. It was even done by a professional, using the long form, with a workshop involved. THAT is dedication to understanding each other. Of all the personality "tests" I've taken over the years it is the one that is most accurate and insightful. I have been feeling a little .... what is the word ... misrepresented lately, so let's delve into what the experts say.

I am in INFP. I have taken this "test" many times with the same result each time. Interesting, huh?

• I – Introversion preferred to Extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations.


• N – iNtuition preferred to Sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.


• F – Feeling preferred to Thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.


• P – Perception preferred to Judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.

Now, what is your type? Come on, take the test, you can't fail ..... well, maybe. technically I guess it could call you a psychopath but really, what are the chances???

Then ....  dear reader, if you are still reading, you must really want to understand me. LOL. ... it breaks down into temperaments. See this is the mistake that people always make with astrology. They say it's crap but then they just know their main astrological sign, not the full chart. That's like looking at a sandwich without seeing what kind of meat and condiments are on it.

My temperament is an Idealist (NF). Surprise, surprise with that one right? All Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

• Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.


• Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.


• Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.


• Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

There is always more of a description but as you learned earlier, I'm a big picture thinker, and I think you get the point. The last step is to break that down further into Idealist-Healer. And THIS is probably the most accurate big picture description of who I am that I've ever read.

• Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.


• Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.


• Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.


• Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

And so it concludes, a professional assessment of who I am. Interestingly enough, I knew all of this already but some how, some other people just don't see it. I've been told that my outward showing doesn't always match my inner workings. .... but that is a whole nother blog for a whole nother day.

This or Killing Someone

Warning: I'm PMSing.

The switch came on tonight as I am incapable of dealing with the most basic of things. See we are having a wet snow. And yes snow is different. Lots of different types of snow and it's basically gone by mid-day the next day because Denver has 300+ sunny days a year so I don't want to hear it. See. See. I can't even write a damn blog post without going off on the some fucking tangent. Hmphf.

My point, it made the satellite freak and I have no TV. Let me repeat .... I HAVE NO TV!!! Nothing. Nada. No DVR programming, no guide, no music from the tv, nothing. NOTHING!!! And what exactly am I suppose to do for the 4 hours that it takes for my son to fall asleep?

Read the 3 magazines and 4 books that I have waiting for me? Play CafeWorld, ensuring that indeed my animated wait staff is serving the vampire steak and spaghetti in a timely fashion? (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to spend more time online.) Take endless quizes on Facebook? (did you know my hood name is Pookie, my heart is blue, my philosophy is Idealist, and my tarot card is the 8 of swords?). I could read the dozens of blogs that I follow. Perhaps TALK to my husband or here's a thought ... CALL someone. But me... hell no! I can do those things if I have TV (and trust me I do, ask Jason). But without TV it just seems so utterly ...... meaningless. I'm deflated.

And if you think I'm kidding or exaggerating or that one person couldn't possibly be so pathetic then obviously you haven't been paying attention. Yes, welcome to my world. Welcome.

I'm ok. You're ok.

I read a lot. books, magazines, blogs, newspapers, the list is never ending. but out of all of them blogs amaze me the most. some blogs are on  a surface level. they reveal what we want them to reveal. some blogs are all fantasy and i wonder how often that person is lost in reality. some of them reveal the things we all feel and think but in complete anonymity. and I guess some of them are like mine. we all have our own way to communicate.

in my endless search for entertainment this fine Saturday I came across two sites that fascinate me. One of them I have known before but I forget to follow with any regularity. It's called PostSecrets. Perhaps I'm late to the boat. But the site fascinates me. Random people send in post cards that are then posted to the universe.

[caption id="attachment_666" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="It reads, "I am so scared that I will never again be the person I was before I got sick. I miss her""][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_668" align="aligncenter" width="193" caption="It reads, " Today I discovered that happiness is not something we find, it's something we create. This is my first step towards recovery.""][/caption]

The other was the Anonymous Diary Project, which allows people to post diary entries. Topics are every where from rape to drug addiction to deep dark things that they would never tell any one in their whole entire lives.

As is typical each got me thinking, why do we hide our fears, dreams, hopes, insecurities, horribleness from the world? We don't want our friends to know we are really not that cool and we like to eat cheetos in the nude and rub the orange stuff on our bare chests. (I'm not saying I do but trust me SOME body does!) Even worse, we don't want our friends to know that our life is laying in crumbles around our feet.

Instead we choose to write or design a post card or do something to tell someone the things that we are most scared of. Then we anonymously post it to the world and get understanding that way. I don't tell people the majority of time if I'm drowning. We don't share the things that matter and that makes me sad. It's this giant hoax that the entire world is on. the whole "i'm ok. you're ok." concept. but you know what, if I'm not ok you can be ok. it's like the epitome of co-dependency.

ah yes, co-dependency, the hallmark card of the ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic, for those not in the know). maybe that's why we do things anonymously. Because we know that if we tell someone, "hey i'm not ok." chances are they will then try to fix you or be upset that you are upset so then you start worrying about them being ok and you can't make them ok so then you feel even worse. oh god. that's why people do it isn't it. that's why I do it isn't it? that whole "i'm ok, you're ok" thing just sucked.

for the record, I'm ok.

Killing Someone

I'm trying really, really hard to not kill anyone this week. It's like my hormones have been all over the place and I'm on the edge. It can't be menopause, can it? I mean I'm 38 years old! That's far too soon, right? right?

Sigh.

Regardless I am on the short list of bitches lately. I can't control my emotional roller coaster. up and down. up and down. I'm not quite sure why. I mean yes I wrote that last blog and all but you know I cope a really long time with being pretend. So it's not that.

Work is interesting. I'm with a team that likes to rib at each other constantly and frankly, I can't handle it. They don't rib me and I know it's in good fun and it is funny but it's constant. So I come home and I'm on edge. Like for sure. On edge. I want to kick someone. Can I just punch someone to all hog heaven?

I'm sick of stupid ass people who call Obama a Nazi and the messiah complex. Shit like that. It's just so so so stupid. And then their reasoning,  well you did when Bush was in office. Now admittedly, I hated Bush's politics but I actually found him to be a funny and charming man. He was a man's man and how could you not like him. Did I agree with his decisions and the way he ran this country no? But did I call him a Nazi? no. It just stupid, stupid people that just want to keep being divisive and angry because they can't figure out a new way to express themselves.

Then my Mac died and I'm upset because I feel like I lost a part of me. Yes, I have a 8 year old Fujitsu laptop that works well but you know I haven't bonded with it. The keyboard is loud. The fan is even louder. But I want my Mac back and I'm upset that it happened. Because frankly, where am I going to get another $800 to buy a MacBook? No where. Because the last time I checked, we are firmly poor. Ok. Not poverty level but well not living in the lap of luxury either. Frankly we can't afford things like that. Sigh.

I'm just pissed. All the time. But there is nothing I can do to not be pissed so what difference does it make. None. But the egg shells are out and in place. You step on one and yes I will kill you.

Trouble

It's really hard to make your peace
So give me some credit for the hell I've paid
This world's a blessing and a beast
Everyday
- Shawn Colvin, "Trouble"

Some days feel like a constant ebb and flow of the issues that you always deal with. I wonder if we ever escape the insecurities and pains of life. Dare I say no.

Going home to LA is always a blessing and a curse. Many for the reasons I've already written about both this time around and previously. But i think the blessing and the curse that I struggle with the most is the reminder that no matter how far you go you are always there.

Chasing those circles in the ground
The same old shit is still the same old lie
Just when you think you've got it down
Watch it fly

The same old shit. Some things never change. No matter if you've grown or changed, it doesn't matter. Some people do change. Or more likely, they have a greater understanding of who they are and they are at peace with it so you either accept it or you don't. My problem is well, I have trouble coming to peace with who I am, who I've always been. So I've surrounded myself over the years with people who have trouble being at peace with who they are too. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, we play the same tune and dance the same waltz, forgetting that we've grown. We're too busy trying to get our love and acceptance from the other in the fucked up way we've always gotten it, without thinking that maybe we could start something new. If we change well then maybe you won't love me any more, maybe our relationship won't work. But then I guess the question is, is it working now?

I go to the trouble like a light
Or like a dare
Trouble is just a friend to me, I know
It'll always be there

I will never fully escape holding on to troubled relationships. It's impossible not because I like it, I don't. But I know it will always be there. Sometimes when all you have is what has always been there you go back wanting to recreate the scenario so you are not alone. To risk a new scenario. To change directions. To make a shift is to risk nothing and no one being there. Even if who is there is damaging and detrimental to your reformed self.

I swear you look like you're in jail
And all at once you're halfway out the door
One foot dancing, one foot nailed
To the floor

A tarot card reader told me that when I speak of my plans/ideas/dreams I weaken them because it allows others to add their comments. I believe their comments are more important than mine. This couldn't be more true. Silence is a killer for most people. We don't want silence when we are changing. We want validation of the change. But perhaps I'm different. In the silence I can actually make the change. Not to lie and say I don't thrive on external validation, I do. Desperately I do. But I do to my detriment. Because for now many of the people in my life validate the self I feel trapped in. There, I said it, publicly. On my blog that what - 20 people at most read. I feel trapped in a self that I didn't want to become but I did. Is there anything else I can say beyond that?