Becoming a Mom

I always thought that motherhood would be this automatic know what to do, know what to feel kind of situation. Don't get me wrong friends have been very gracious in sharing with me the truth about pregnancy, the birthing process, adjusting to the baby, etc. I've not missed the gory details. And I thought I was prepared but not really. 

I am a ball of a million things. I'm grieving more than I ever imagined. I feel sadness at the life I've left behind. Yes, I know that I chose this. Yes, I know I wanted this. Yes, I know that life will be better. But right now at this moment I'm feeling tremendous grief and sadness over what used to be. The selfishness of my life before. The ability to do what I pleased whenever I please. We can't just wake up and go to breakfast. I can't sleep 10 hours or stay up to midnight. All of these little things. It's all so stupid. I mean it really is. But I'm really, really bummed. I'm not depressed at all but just sad. 

Isn't it supposed to be that you and your baby run through fields of daisies, smiling and skipping along as you go? You are well rested and beautiful, radiant with motherhood. Quite frankly I can't manage to find my contacts, brush my hair or wear anything but sweats and henley shirts that I've worn for the last 2 days. I'm certainly not looking like some kind of commercial at this point. Yet, people have said we look like new parents. Well, I don't know what kind of TV shows these people watch but I've not seen new parents that look like me. I don't include Jason because he is down right radiant. Fatherhood has done him well. Yes, he is griveing as well but it's different. He is bouncy and happy and really liking being a dad. I'm still not sure if I like being a mom. 

I do know that I like it but I don't feel like I can control it. I can't control him. I can't control the way other people interact with him. I can't control this situation. I'm a control freak - apparently. Big surprise. HA! So I'm full of nervousness. Am I doing it right? Am I screwing him up for some future time? Will other people hurt him? What if I don't like what they are saying? I can't control anything. Big surprise yet again. Sigh. I know these emotions are normal and I'm not the only one to have had them; but it doesn't make it any easier.