Sensitive

How do I begin a blog about being sensitive without well, seeming .... sensitive. I honestly don't know. I had a good friend say to me today that my sensitivity level has been beyond max. Now I'm not upset at this friend, the truth is, I have been. Lately, I have been well, sensitive. But what exactly does that mean?

sensitive
–adjective

1. endowed with sensation; having perception through the senses.

2. readily or excessively affected by external agencies or influences.

3. having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others.

4. easily pained, annoyed, etc.

5. pertaining to or connected with the senses or sensation.

6. responding to stimuli, as leaves that move when touched.

7. requiring tact or caution; delicate; touchy

8. constructed to indicate, measure, or be affected by small amounts or changes, as a balance or thermometer.

Yes, indeed I am sensitive.

I am perceptive. So much so that most of the time I don’t need someone to tell me anything. The bad part of this most people don’t like people to be able to perceive them. On the other hand I get so frustrated with people not acknowledging what I’m perceiving. The other side of this coin, I hate when people tell me – well, turn it off. Yeah, no it doesn’t work that way. I wish to God it did. But it doesn’t and so there I am. Most of the time I just try to pretend I’m not paying attention, but I am. And I’m so involved in perceiving a situation that I have a hard time being in it.

Readily affected by external influences. The number one thing I need to work on. Not worrying about what “they” think. I say “they” because half the time they isn’t real. They are the messages I’ve filled myself with. But having been my constant companion for 30 years it’s a little hard to not be influenced by the they.

Require tact. Hmmm…. yes, indeed. I need to be handled with tact, which is odd. I’m not a finessed person. I am a compassionate person yet I’m not the one to come to when you need an ego boost. I’m not the one to come to when you want to hear there there it will all be ok. I will say that once maybe twice but then I will turn around and say – ok, get over it move on. Yet, I do require a bit of tact, a bit of sensitivity. It is like expecting something that I myself can’t provide.

So I have been sensitive. Yeah. I have been. I always am. Some days I just hide it better than others. And lately, I can’t seem to. Honestly, I’m scared right now. I need to take actions to make changes in my life and that is frightening to me. So I’m less able to hide my sensitivity. I’m less able to put on the cool facade that the world requires.

Whenever someone says that to me, I do have to ask why are we so disgusted by sensitivity? Why do we wring it out of people as if it was a bad characteristic? Why must we all be so hard? Why can’t we show our sensitivity? Our mental and emotional perceptions must be well hidden and it frustrates me. Because really, why can’t the logical people hide their logic? Must we have a well thought out plan for ever action in the universe? Can’t some things just be.

We have grown to respect logic and disrespect sensitivity (or emotions). I’m tired of it. I’m tired of having to explain to someone the way I perceive the world constantly through emotion.  I mean if you pay attention you can see everything I see. But people choose not to and then look at me like I have a screw loose and they must tip toe around me.

My response – own up and stop expecting me to have a facade like you do. I don’t have a very thick one. It’s about a 1/2″ TOPS. It rains and that’s it, it’s washed away. So just accept it and stop expecting me to not be sensitive. Do you ever think of what you are missing out on? Do you ever think of all the beauty in the world that you rush over or don’t feel because when you put the facade on … well, it’s hard to feel anything really.

So am I sensitive. Yes. Yes I am. So BITE ME already.