20 years

It's a long time. A very, very long time. And yet it's not. It disappears and fades into the background. I don't know where the 20 years have gone since high school. Did I make the right choices? Did I choose the right path? I still don't know the answer to that.

This weekend I went back home to Burbank to relive 20 years. My high school reunion was this weekend and in the end I decided to not go. The money was a convenient excuse but more importantly I wondered why go back to a place where no one cared 20 years ago? Why would they care now?

Time smooths the edges. The negative experiences, the pain of growing up, and so on and so forth. But does it really. I intellectually know that I'm much different than 20 years ago. I've grown up. Had some experiences in life. Made some choices, both good and bad. But the minute I look at the high school reunion photos that have popped up on Facebook, I'm brought back immediately to being the fucked up little girl that I was then.

The photos are of the "popular" people. Popular then and popular now. I was never popular. I wasn't naive enough to think that going back now somehow I would be accepted into the popular crowd. I didn't choose the LA life. I moved away to San Fran and then Denver. I chose a non-industry job and married a non-industry guy. (no offense honey) I guess I did do the popular thing in adopting. How Angelina Jolie of me? But really. A reunion would have been an opportunity to exam and expose my life for approval. Do I make it now? Am I good enough now? My fear is the resounding no I could have heard.

It's stupid. I mean really. Am I not exposing my life now? Do not the people that know of my blog have the opportunity to sit down and judge my life now? Of course they do but it's different. It's not as scary. Those that read choose to do so without me there. I'm not standing before you waiting for approval. I write, post and move on to something else. So it's safer.

20 years. The longer you are away the more things are close. LA hasn't changed. It's just as diverse as it always was. It's an eclectic mix of the old and new. The posh lifestyle and the down and out. It hasn't changed one bit. Burbank is as sleepy and as vibrant as always. There were two Burbanks then and there are two Burbanks now. The one where the normal people live and the studio Burbank. The beautiful people populate both worlds in some respect. It's this mish-mosh of the most beautiful and most normal people you've ever seen. This is where I grew up.

When I come back I wonder where I fit now. I was at Bob's Big Boy, eating my combo with the excellent bleu cheese, the hot fudge cake to die for. In front of me in a booth were these two men, one in his mid-thirties, the other in his mid-fifties, money and success dripped from him. They talked options and bonuses. Ignored the waiter. Or treated him dismissively. They seemed to step out of reality. They talked syndication. The deal. The older man told jokes. The younger man laughed. He soaked up being in the powerful presence of this man. I think I was soaking up being in the power of this man. Each ordered a Bob’s combo but they made it more fancy - swiss cheese the older man ordered. He instructed the younger that they had fancy cheeses, so he ordered cheddar with bacon. The older man needed more napkins, the younger one searched and we made eye contact. I had napkins. I handed them to him. He was profoundly grateful. The older man too.

I share this story because to me it illustrates the change in me. Living in LA I don't think I would have given him my napkins. I would have kept on going as if they were invisible. Living there I wouldn't realize that it was a mistake. Living out of LA I've realized the connection that people have. That we are not alone. That we exist in a world with lots of other people and that our role is to interact. To not ignore. To not avoid eye contact. To make some connection, however non-existent the other person may make you feel.

I don't know if this makes sense. I don't think it does. I'm not expressing it right. but frankly, who cares at this point?

There is more on my trip home. But for now, this is enough.