Trouble

It's really hard to make your peace
So give me some credit for the hell I've paid
This world's a blessing and a beast
Everyday
- Shawn Colvin, "Trouble"

Some days feel like a constant ebb and flow of the issues that you always deal with. I wonder if we ever escape the insecurities and pains of life. Dare I say no.

Going home to LA is always a blessing and a curse. Many for the reasons I've already written about both this time around and previously. But i think the blessing and the curse that I struggle with the most is the reminder that no matter how far you go you are always there.

Chasing those circles in the ground
The same old shit is still the same old lie
Just when you think you've got it down
Watch it fly

The same old shit. Some things never change. No matter if you've grown or changed, it doesn't matter. Some people do change. Or more likely, they have a greater understanding of who they are and they are at peace with it so you either accept it or you don't. My problem is well, I have trouble coming to peace with who I am, who I've always been. So I've surrounded myself over the years with people who have trouble being at peace with who they are too. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, we play the same tune and dance the same waltz, forgetting that we've grown. We're too busy trying to get our love and acceptance from the other in the fucked up way we've always gotten it, without thinking that maybe we could start something new. If we change well then maybe you won't love me any more, maybe our relationship won't work. But then I guess the question is, is it working now?

I go to the trouble like a light
Or like a dare
Trouble is just a friend to me, I know
It'll always be there

I will never fully escape holding on to troubled relationships. It's impossible not because I like it, I don't. But I know it will always be there. Sometimes when all you have is what has always been there you go back wanting to recreate the scenario so you are not alone. To risk a new scenario. To change directions. To make a shift is to risk nothing and no one being there. Even if who is there is damaging and detrimental to your reformed self.

I swear you look like you're in jail
And all at once you're halfway out the door
One foot dancing, one foot nailed
To the floor

A tarot card reader told me that when I speak of my plans/ideas/dreams I weaken them because it allows others to add their comments. I believe their comments are more important than mine. This couldn't be more true. Silence is a killer for most people. We don't want silence when we are changing. We want validation of the change. But perhaps I'm different. In the silence I can actually make the change. Not to lie and say I don't thrive on external validation, I do. Desperately I do. But I do to my detriment. Because for now many of the people in my life validate the self I feel trapped in. There, I said it, publicly. On my blog that what - 20 people at most read. I feel trapped in a self that I didn't want to become but I did. Is there anything else I can say beyond that?