[/caption]Butterflies are the great symbol of metamorphosis. We don't become butterflies. Butterflies are what the world asks us to create. As children we are our truest self. It's the reason we love children so much. Their effervescence and willingness to take risk, to step off a cliff with no fear. Their capacity to love freely. They don't hide what they feel or think. They are. And then looking at us with bold eyes they ask us to try to break their will. Sadly, I think sometimes we do.
When I think of myself and my childhood, I was a dreamer. My family will tell stories of me - when I was about 8 or 9 and I woke up crying on Christmas Eve because I was afraid that my uncle didn't have enough gifts. or when I was 4 or 5 and we were at Bob's and the waitress gave me a glass of milk and then put a straw in it. I looked at the waitress with my big blue eyes and calmly took the straw out and drank from the cup. Not spilling a drop.
These stories highlight for me that characteristics of who I am at my most basic of level - loving, kind, giving, determined, stubborn and defiant. If I were to make a list these adjectives would be the ones at the top of the list. always.
I talk a lot about changing. About being different. But when I think about changing I wonder if I really mean returning.
In therapy you learn that a lot of the anger you have comes from the dichotomy between your true self and the self you present to the world. I've been angry a very long time and that's because the gap, the Grand Canyon size gap, that I have created.
As we age we develop the mechanisms to protect ourselves and sometimes those mechanisms take us away from who we always were. Some would argue that we all have to let go of being a child with all the silly dreams, loving heart and determination. And for them, maybe that's true. But for me. I've stepped too far away from the core.
So I want to stand up and release the butterflies I've created. Instead I'll stand there and simply be. Maybe that is enough.
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