Would you ....

[caption id="attachment_709" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="You're not as awkward as you think you are. We'd be your friend if you let us."][/caption]

I think people struggle to put me on their friend card. People shake their head at me all the time, wondering what the hell I could possibly be thinking or embarrassed at my lack of filter. People struggle in their understanding of me. So it's no wonder that my card has constant openings.

I wish right now it was full of people who understand me. I wish more than anything that I could make logical, well-thought out, pro/con list decisions. I wish that my wishes could be more easily understood. I wish that I didn't have to make a decision that changes everything. I wish that I knew people would support my decision whether they understood it or not.

I'm in pain. horrible gut-wrenching tear my heart out pain. I've been staring at my friend card for awhile now, wondering who I should call up, wondering who would understand, wondering who would help me figure out where to go next.

But here's the thing ....  I don't know how to let people take care of me. I don't know how to call someone up and say, "my world is falling apart." How to let someone feel my weakness is the hardest thing in the entire world for me to do. It makes no sense. I mean I could write my heart out in this public forum yet to personally tell someone the the agony that I'm in at the moment, to hear their reaction, to feel is .... damn near impossible.