Changing Love

Love. I wonder why this is on my mind right now. But it is.

The song above is called "Looks Like Rain". It's your typical 8 minute long Grateful Dead song and lord knows not everyone can make it through a Grateful Dead song so I'll summarize just in case you can't. The singers love has left him. And he is preparing for the sorrow that comes from the lost. But yet he knows that it's ok because he is still going to love her, even when she is gone, love remains.

This song has helped me through many endings - both love affairs and true deaths. Because for me, love remains. Oh yes does it hurt when it ends. Tremendous hurt. Gut-wrenching, soul-crushing hurt. But then it subsides and the love you had for that person, the good times, the good moments, the quirks of that person remain.

People have told me that I'm crazy. That when a relationship ends then that's it - fuck him or her! But it's not so simple and I think the death of my uncle taught me that. Losing him was earth shattering. He was my rock and a constant, unconditional source of love to me. After the pain subsided (which still hits me every now and then 2 years later), all that remained was the love that he had for me and the love I had for him. So I ask why would it be different for love affairs?

I guess the difference is that not in every love affair do you actually love the person. You love the idea of them. You love what they do for you. But do you love the warts and flaws as much as the beauty. There are very few people who I have loved this way - girls and boys. And no, I'm not bisexual. This has nothing to do with sex. When these relationships end or change, it is mind numbingly painful.

But I have to believe that down the road, love will remain. Whether or not the person stays in your life is debatable. I have had a few that have stayed and a few that have gone. I miss the ones who have gone tremendously.

The ones who remain are in a special, protected space in my heart. We had the audacity to accept that each of us is imperfect but still worth loving. Even if the nature of the relationship had to change, it's ok because in letting the relationship evolve you are acknowledging how important that person is to you. That the love between you is more important than the status of your relationship.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone. I can't seem to find the right words to describe what I want to say. But I know what I know to be true because as the singer in the song says .... "it's alright because I love you and that's not going to change."