Dear World...

Note: This is an exercise. The emotions are true and real. But I'm not stupid, just depressed.

To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.

I'm ready to leave now. I am ready to stop struggling. I am ready to not have to do or say anything. I've flirted with the darkness of my despair many many times. this isn't my first time at the rodeo so to speak.

but now there is my son. my son. my son. my son is stopping me from losing myself completely. only my son stops me from running away. from turning into a drug addict. from living underneath an overpass turning tricks so i can get my next fix. it's only him. otherwise fuck it. what is the point. and the honest answer is there is none. i have no higher calling. i have no purpose in life except to serve as a "what not to do." that's my role.

every day i am struggling to take the next breathe. i am struggling to find my balance. every day i am hurting more and more. every friend has their own life. their own set of worries. their own joy to experience. who would drop everything and help me learn to walk again. no one. i have spent the last 2 weeks in a state of shock, devastation pulsing through my veins. the finality of my decision reaching it's full impact. But yet who notices, I am a superb actress.

Then people ask me "are you ok?" ... no no not at all. I'M NOT FUCKING OK. Do I look like I'm ok? No. No, I don't. the puffy eyes, the shoting pains done my sides. my inability to breathe. the pounding of my head. I'm FUCKED UP. CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT? ... of course that isn't what I say. Sometimes I say, "yeah". But sometimes I get enough courage to say "no." And with that the conversation is done. or I'm asked "what's wrong?" And there I'm stuck. how do you say .... my world is crumbling and I caused it. I am barely functioning. I can't handle this. I NEED you. .... you don't say that. I merely shrug and ask about them. The moment is forgot and off we go.

I get older and see myself becoming more and more of a shell. empty. alone. my demons so strong that I have indeed made my worse fears come true. There are no Knights of the Roundtable to rescue me. There is no Justice League.

When you are destroying yourself people let you because it's healthy to not overstep someone else's boundary, tell them that I am not going to let you destroy yourself and hate me all you want but I don't care. I love you and need you in my life so you hate me as long as you want, just do exactly as I tell you to do. It will be better. You will win. I promise. Then add to that that few people are strong enough to withstand the daggers of glass that spew out of me when someone tries to rescue me. And we have an almost impossible situation.

So what choice do I have ..... what choice ..... kill myself and destroy my son, my family. That's not an option. It's not a viable option. It's a selfish option. The biggest fuck you to the world is to believe that you mean absolutely nothing to the entire world. So much so that your presence, your life is no longer needed or wanted by anyone. And I can't do that. Because I know to my son I am the world.

But what do I? I can't hear that it will be ok. That in the end I will be better. I don't believe that right now. So much so that I can't put one foot forward because I see it as an exercise in futility. And I can't afford counseling. Plus I have done so much counseling in the past that I know the psycho babble crap that will be said to me. The drugs aren't working because I'm too stubborn to take them with regularity. God is sitting in the corner asking me what my choice is? So .... my only answer is. I don't know what to do. I don't know.