Today is not Someday

It's hard when you're knee deep in crap to not think of someday. Someday is this nebulous undefined space that may happen or it may not happen. It's somewhere else. It is not today.

I've been thinking of someday. I wonder how helpful it is. I mean if I say, "someday I will not cry every few hours." aren't I really saying to myself, "well yeah someday but right now you are so pathetic that you are."  If you say, "someday I will drive a nice car and live in a nice house." aren't you really saying "because right now I'm plumb broke driving a broken down car with a ghetto apartment."

Maybe that automatic response is my own negative internal thoughts. Probably. But then by constantly thinking of someday aren't I avoiding today. Yes we all need to dream but really "someday" may never come. "someday" may be exactly the same as today.

Right now I am thinking of the "someday" and it gives me hope. Maybe that's the point. Recognize what is here today and wish upon "someday". I do ignore the today too much though. If I were to think of what my today is I don't think I would like it very much. But what exactly am I going to do today in order to change someday. Because if I don't do something different how could I expect a different result. I don't know and that is what I need someone to help me with, being ok with what is right now.

What I am facing.

• living on my own for the first time in a long time.


• balancing the need to be a mom and an individual


• believing in myself and my dream


• continuing to move forward regardless of what the jury says.


• find a way to make the dream come true.

What is the immediate need that I need to take care?

• Figure out a budget


• Go to a counselor so I can get it the fuck back together


• Remember to love. Love is all that remains.


• Be true.

What rock do I need to push in order to start the avalanche that will lead me to someday?

• I think I may have already pushed it.

Someday:

• I will know how to balance my needs with the needs of others.


• Have a posse/entourage/cru of people who are supportive of the artist


• Be accepting of where I have come from and where I want to go.

Life is a big leap of faith isn't it. Because do we really have control. I don't know if it's God. Or it's the way. Or if it's random. But all I know is that I need to ensure that I remain in the now. I need to breathe that in and experience it. Otherwise I will never move forward.