It's alright

Tonight we listened to Live at Central Park by Simon & Garfunkel.  Paul Simon is a poet. So many lines, so many words from him console me and make me feel like some where, some one has felt what I feel right now and gotten through it. Tonight when I heard American Tune, I felt that way.

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home

I am confused and weary to my bones at the moment. I can't expect to feel buoyant right now because I am so very far from home. I don't think I would recognize home if it hit me in the head. I looked at apartments today. Dingy, yucky apartments that I can afford on a part-time income while going back to school. None of them felt like home and I wondered if any of them ever would. It terrifies me to think of starting over. But I'm alright. I'm alright. I have to be.

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to its knees
but it's all right, it's all right
for we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the
road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong

Each of us has moments of our souls being battered, of questioning our path and our choices. I too don't have a friend that feels at ease. Even those that have a good life have moments and days where they wonder what has gone wrong, what is changing, why can I not catch a break here. I hate platitudes. I'm a big picture person. Big picture is wrong and I'm wrong. It's the way that it is. I don't make small changes. I take things and blow them up. I've done it over and over again. This is no different. I'm just reeling from the after shock of it. I have been driven to my knees and I have no where to go but up. Perhaps that is the best place to be?

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was crying

My soul, inner parent, big person does smile down upon myself reassuringly. I know it will all be just fine. But I'm crying at the loss of freedom, the loss of the dream. It's ethereal to feel this way. To know in my soul that it is alright, but feel so lost in the moment of my daily life. I want to skip from this moment to a year from now, 10 years from now, when the ripples will have died down and I can see clearly that it is alright. But as I've said before today is not someday. Today I still need to feel the ripples and be ok with the losses. I need to pick up from my knees and continue forward.

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest

By nature my way is to be bold, to sail off into an unknown land or unconquered territory. I know this about myself because it's always been this way. I have been blessed in my life. Truly. Blessed. With the choices I made when I was younger I should not be here now. I should be living a trailer in Kansas missing all of my front teeth and hollerin' for Dale Jr number four. Truly. But tomorrow is another day. It's another working day. And sometimes I just need some rest.

This blog is my rest. The thoughts that spew out of me. I find consolation in them. Working through the things that I think about. It will be alright. All alright. I'm just weary to my bones and need some rest so I can stand up to live another day.

Scarlet O'Hare would be so proud.