Seeing change

I'm an only child. As such I'm easily entertained. Typically this is a good thing and keeps me fairly simple. Since I was a little girl I have been fascinated by mirrors. Not  in a vain, let me pick at my skin, look at how fat I am kind of way. I was/am always fascinated as to what my face looks like when I talk, making funny faces, frowning, etc. It's half the reason I enjoy photographing people so much. I don't like pose photographs, just people in their natural element, without the guard. You see so much more and typically people are beautiful in those moments of being themselves.

I was looking at some pictures I took of myself and I notice my eyes, my expression, the change that was happening that I never quite noticed, until now.



This was in the spring. I'm smiling. I think I had been crying and I was trying to cheer myself up, making funny faces. My face is strained, my eyes are dull, painful but the mask is still in place. Cracked however much it may be.



This was the moment that I realized that I had to muster up the courage and make changes. At the time and in that moment those were not the thoughts running through my head, but it was there as I think back. Wanting to hide with my hands, but yet I look straight ahead, determined, resilient. The smile is gone. The mask has slipped. A week later I made a decision. This photo will always be special for capturing the moment of resilience and strength before the storm.



I couldn't hide any more. This photo was taken about 3 weeks ago. It is hard to capture the true imagery of depression, the self without the mask, but despair pours from my face and I'm incapable of holding any semblance of a mask. I see this and every loss that I was feeling at the time. Words can capture the despair but perhaps this image will serve as the memory of this time.



Hope has begun to bloom. Genuine belief that we are going to be ok. That I am going to be okay. My smile is back. My eyes are cautious but optimistic in their hope. I look at this and I see ... me. I see the person that I want to become - happy, genuine with a tinge of strength there in the back of my eyes.

It's different to be on the 50%+ side of optimism. To know that indeed this is the right decision. Not the easy decision but the right decision. And to capture that moment of knowing is a gift. Because as the days go by there are still a lot of moments that I forget. I am still living one day at a time. I am still terrified at each step that I make. I still have no idea how this will all play out in the end. But to capture a moment is a gift indeed.