I have no idea what to say. I knew it was going to happen. Life goes on. The big wheel keeps on turnin'. All of that. I just didn't expect it so fast.
I've been careful to not talk specifics. I want to protect my husband (or well now my ex-husband). But I'm upset. He went away this week on a vacation. The week I am moving from my house to an apartment. The week that has made us "officially" separated. He is enjoying a break skiing and I'm at home, packing, getting my life back in order and trying to remember that indeed I wanted this.
I had begun to spin the tale of our relationship. The gloss over of the main issues, the irreconcilable differences, the fact that we have tried (hard) and failed (miserably). All of that was fading away as I remember the positives of our relationship. I was sad to talk to him from vacation. It's hard this separation from someone that I have spent pretty much every day with for the last 12 years. And it hit me, hard. Not enough to make me doubt the rightness of our decision but enough to make me pause and mourn the lost.
In saying good night to our son tonight we talked briefly. We had joked about him hooking up with someone on this trip. There was a possibility, I knew there would be, he knew there would be. But somehow I thought not yet, it's too soon. I was wrong. I doubt it's love or a long term relationship. I mean who knows, maybe it is. But it is most certainly a fuck. He said we have been separated for a long time. I don't think 3 months is a long time ... do you?
Maybe I'm naive. I am. I admit it. I always think of people long past when they have ceased to think of me. Every major relationship I have had that ended they moved on before I did, even when I was the one who did the break up. Even worse, every one, except one, married the one after me. What does that say about me? What does that say about my ability to hold a relationship? How valuable am I to the men that I've chosen to share my love with? It all makes me feel useless and replaceable. I always think of "When Harry Met Sally." Sally tells Harry with tears in her eyes, "It's not that he didn't want to get married, he didn't want to marry me."
My ex isn't telling me this. I mean I too will have the transition fuck. I'll move on and figure out how to be desirable again. I don't know. I did that so much in my 20s that frankly I don't want to have a meaningless fuck. I don't want to discard someone as if they are irrelevant to me, insignificant to me on the path of life. I've been that insignificant person too many times and I remember the pain of what that feels like.
Sigh. This is hard. Divorce is hard. It's like you don't realize how intertwined you are until you're not. This would all be easier if I didn't still care about my ex-husband, if I hated him. But I don't. I want him to meet a good person. I want him to marry again some day. I want us to create a multi parent family based on love and the connections of friendship and family. But tonight, tonight I'm upset and sad.
It's over. It's truly over.
I’m sorry Lalena, I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now. You're right it is WAY too soon. I do believe that your next relationship should be a meaningful one. After all, you and Jason are still role models to Pandu.
ReplyDeleteThe reality of what "moving on" really means must be the hardest part.
Be strong, there are lots of people that care about you. Remember it is all going to be okay. Only time will help with healing process; try to take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute if need be.
We're in need of a girls night out! Big hugs.