First Night

It's weird. I've avoided moving all week but it's time now and there were no more excuses. My son is with his grandma as I have to work tomorrow AM and it's quiet. Nothing is familiar. It doesn't even smell like my house. I had to buy new hand soap today. And make my new queen size bed. Thinking about where I'm going to put the trash can and the cat food. It's all surreal.

I wish I could pinpoint the emotions. I looked at the air conditioning as I watched my first tv show in the new place. I thought, "I'll be here for the summer." That's weird. The summer. That's in the future. Wow. This is real. I filled up my CPAP machine tonight, typically a task the ex would do. It was weird as I decided to store the water in the bedroom here. I didn't have to tell anyone. I realized I didn't have an alarm clock. How was I going to wake up in the morning? Thank God for my iphone. I took a bath because I forgot to by a curtain rod. It was smaller than my tub. I guess this is the new tub now.

I don't think I feel overwhelming sadness. It's more hmmm, ok. I guess this is the way it is now. I remember feeling this way before when I lived briefly on my own. It was a hmmm, ok this is weird feeling. I feel the need to run out and find a new boyfriend to live with me. A distraction. An unneeded distraction. Maybe I should be able to come home and feel "ah, home." I wonder if I'll ever feel that.

It's interesting to me the concept of home. I've never. ...yup, never, settled into a place that I lived. You know unpack the boxes, hang the pictures, make your space reflect you. Never. I do it half ass. Even in my house that we bought and were going to live in forever, I didn't settle. Looking back I wonder if my subconscious was telling me something even then. But for the first time I want to now. I need to now. I need to have a place that is safe. That I can see a reflection of me.

I panicked in looking at a couch today. I panic a lot. I hyper ventilate. I can't make a decision. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I know that's normal, fear of making the wrong decision. But since when did buy a couch involve a wrong decision? I used to have and still do have panic attacks at the grocery store. I'm overwhelmed, incapable of deciding what to eat. Even with a list. I think the list is wrong. And I search my brain thinking I had to have forgotten something from the list. I had to have. And I stand there, paralyzed. That's not normal. Perhaps needless to say I didn't buy a couch. I did see two couches I liked under $300. I could probably swing it. But did I buy it no. What if I bought the wrong couch?

I don't have anything to hide behind any more. I am living away from my house that I bought. The illusion is now shattered. And I can't figure out how to buy a couch. So what will I do? I'll go to my friends and say 'hey, help me buy a couch.' They will be there. They will help me not get stuck for too long.

I wrote awhile back that no one ever wants to come in and take over your life when you can't make a decision to save your life. They don't want to get involved when you are depressed and sinking. It's too messy. But I was wrong. People do help you. People do become your think tank. The right people. I've had some right people take over my to-do list, my long-term goal list, my decorating list, my health routine, my eating routine, my packing committee, my moving team. People have saved me from my self. I am grateful. The universe gives you the people that you need at the time that you need them. And that's what I'm thinking about this first night in my queen size bed.

Because although I'm scared and overwhelmed and excited and cautious and healing, I know that there is a group of people whether visible or not who will ensure that I don't drown. I may fling my arms and swallow some sea water but in the end there will be an arm to grab me from the storm.

What a first night.