In the End

No one cares.

Ultimately people just care about themselves. I am so disappointed in people. Not every person in the entire world but the majority of them. I know we are all human, we are all selfish. we all look at for #1. we all in the end don't want to be dragged down by someone depressed and dark. we want lightness and happiness.

i don't know what to do. i'm disappointed in people, some very key people in my life. key people that i thought actually paid attention to me and cared about what was happening and would be there. but they have their family, their job, their world of happiness and light to live in. and the saddest part is it's those that have known me the longest.

i am told constantly to let people in. I tell myself that constantly. I write about it constantly. Just yesterday, it is those that love you the most that you need the most when you are hurting. but maybe those that have known me for longer than 10 years stop caring. they have seen this pattern too much, heard the record too many times. so they roll their eyes and wonder ... will she ever not play this tune?

i kid about having gone through this same thing in 1995 so they can say "remember that time just do that again." but it's not. it's different. this is different. i am different. i have spent 12 years creating a life and now i get to create a new one. to most people, isn't that a joy, a blessing, a gift? for me it's not. for me i'm a failure. i'm a loser. i'm every pathetic person that i never wanted to be.

oh but the chorus says ... but now is the time. do it now. you deserve it. .... i don't think i believe that any more. because in the end you (chorus) couldn't be there for me over and over again. (chorus says: but no one cares about your life every day, you don't even care about your spouse or your children at all moments of every day.) right. that's my point. in the end I am a replaceable commodity. my presence is not necessary or needed. only when you (chorus) want someone to pick you up, make you feel important, focus on your problems, send you kind words, build your ego. then my presence is needed.

in the end another person can only listen and be present for so long. even if (as is the case with everyone that has known me for 10+ years) the only time you have to stay present is the minutes it takes you to write me an email. and i'm not even worth that.

i write words that expose everything I feel in hopes that someone will notice and be there, regardless of the ups and downs, regardless of the repetition, regardless of my focus on negativity. i will move on soon enough. but it's only been 4 months since my entire world was put upside down. my moments of darkness and disgust are less. I bounce back quicker. but all of that doesn't matter because your attention span is gone. I should be over it by now. I mean my ex is, shouldn't I be too?