Friend Fatique

Exhausted by the sheer tsunami of negativity that can be me. Bound by love they want to help and listen and support but how long can one person be expected to support another. a week? a month? a year? forever?

it pains me. i fight between my internal demon voice that tells me "you are worth nothing" and the external angel voice that says "yes you are." it's consuming and powerful. the constant fight.

on a normal day i can keep it at bay. some times with a little encouragement, most days with none. now, i can't. now the demon speak to those that love me. I say to them, "i'm not worth it. stop wasting your time on me." crying behind the demon that laughs at it's ability to control.

one can only respond, "yes you are worth. I am not wasting my time." so many times. especially when the person doesn't see me, doesn't live my daily life with me. so many people that care for me live far far away. they read snippets of moments, dark, desperate moments. they get less light.

i don't know what to do. i don't have words to describe what my life is at the moment, the ebb and flow that is worse than any depression or death I have experienced. the uncertainty of moments drives me insane. the continuing chaos and need to settle and readjust and readjust and readjust is .... i have no clue how to tell someone.

the hardest part is the fatique that i know my friends feel, whether they tell me or don't tell me. i need people right now. but they need to protect themselves too. i don't want to push away and become a hermit but i would rather be a crab then feel the rejection. even though i understand it, right now i feel every loss and separation (healthy or not) 50 million times worse than it should be.

i need advice. how do i not exhaust everyone around me? ... and then how do I not feel abandoned by people who in reality will never abandon me but yet need to take care of themselves and their life?

comment please someone. comment.