Meaning of Easter

I know Easter has pass. Lent is over. Resurrection has happened. Or the Easter bunny has come and the chocolate has been consumed. But the lessons of the season are still with me.

My belief in God is unorthodox to say the least. I view the Bible as parable, meant to be used as a guide but it is not imperative for me to believe that it all really truly happened. It's just not my brain's way of working. So to me the point of passion week - the week from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday- didn't really have a true significance or meaning. Why it is the most significant religious week was a mystery to me. Yes resurrection was important but really, do we have proof? And if we don't, is it less significant? Even then, what is the significance? These are the thoughts that pass through my mind on any typical passion week. But this year I found myself understanding more than I could possibly imagine.

For many Christians, they prefer to go from the joy of Palm Sunday to the joy of Easter.... [but] we must be willing to journey through the times of struggles as well as the times of joy. The invitation of Holy Week is to be "present" with Jesus as we re-enact some understanding of what he must have gone through. ...we do this as a way of ourselves "honoring" the struggles of our lives, of standing "face to face" with that which makes our lives most uncomfortable, of our own cries of "my God, my God" - trusting that there will be an outcome of new life, that darkness and death do not have the final say.

This simple message came from an email my pastor sent out. It hit me. Hard. Like it was meant for me to hear. The assumption that a lot of people make is that Jesus knew he would be resurrected. He wasn't scared. He wasn't worried. He never thought "what the hell is going on with this?" or "why in the world have I been led down this path?" We forget the humanness of Jesus. If the leap of faith is that Jesus existed then he must have existed as a human man. He wasn't (in my belief) hard wired to God. He heard God probably the way we all do, in the quiet stillness. He probably took leaps of faith and followed. Not knowing the outcome or the finality of what was going to happen. He probably went with the flow of life that is available to all of us. He probably got distracted and confused and questioned and wondered "oh dear God really. you want me to do THAT?!" The truth is I believe we don't know for sure one way or another. Just thinking of this as a possibility created this cosmic shift for me.

I attended Good Friday services. I never do that. EVER. What is so good about it? Is it good that this man died for us? I don't know but I'm thinking I would never want anyone to die for me. But that's besides the point. lol. The sermon continued. It talked of the walk of humiliation that Jesus must have gone on. The burden that he carried. What that must have felt like for him? Then he talked of our own path. The times when we have a shadow a mile long behind us of things we've given up to conform to what is expected of us. The humiliation of letting someone else see us in our weakest point.

I found myself crying tears that I often cry in church. The ones brought on by a connection to something larger than myself. I felt as if someone understood finally what it has felt like for me in the last few months. The humiliation and shame I have felt over failing in my marriage, over my ex falling in love with another woman so easily. The pain of seeing mutual friend after mutual friend disappear. I can't express what it feels like and has felt like. But sitting there I think I finally understood. And I knew deep in my heart that I didn't do this for nothing.

This is my test of faith. We have moments (sometimes even multiple moments) where we are asked to sacrifice what we think we can not. We are asked to metaphorically die so that we can be born again. And we never know for sure without a doubt where or how we will be born again. We feel forsake, alone, despondent, hopeless. We resist. But no matter what you do you can't avoid the death.

Faith even in fear. Faith in renewal. Faith in the never ending spirit that guides you. Faith in being reborn.

When Easter Sunday came I felt a sense of renewal. I don't know where or why. I don't think the rebirth is done. But I think I have faith that in the end the sun will rise, the flowers will bloom, and life will begin anew.