Welcome Back

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,

But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

I write about going home a lot. Home this elusive place that you idolize when quite frankly it's the same place you left years ago. Your dreams were your ticket out - away from home. But yet rediscovering my dreams are the ones that lead me back home.

I'm struggling still to write. I'm hiding. From me. How fucked up is that? But I don't want to rehash what I've been feeling and living. I can't seem to move forward if I think about anything. Maybe that means I've stopped living. Maybe it just means that I can't think any more. There is no solution.

How do people balance living their life, pursuing their dream, and dealing with all the crap that happens to you that you have 100% no control over? I don't know how. I missed that lesson some where. And frankly, I reliquish control. Life happens to you. I think I'm starting to realize that. You don't happen to it. We all like to think we control life. That we force it to do what we want. But in all honesty, what is the last thing you forced that didn't come back to bite you?

I can't think of anything. Even when I assert my will or someone asserts their will against me, if there is a happy ending, it's because of compliance.

So in my hiding, it's my way of giving my compliance. Of saying to the universe, I'm done trying to control you. Do what must be done. Take me where I must go. Show me what I must see.

The control freak in me is shaking.