Some Days

I have no idea what is going on. I wake up with the day seeming like any other day but it turns into something else. It turns into a day that I feel lonely and sad about being alone. Not once do I miss my ex. But I do miss being a part of something else. I miss having someone else to help in the decision making.

I have been with my son for a week now, except for work. It looks like this might be the modus operandi going forward. My ex is debating, trying to figure out what's best for him. And what's best for him may not include a 50/50 relationship with his son. Supposedly no one else knows. But we've all heard that before. So I'm done protecting him. Allowing him to shore up support before disclosing a decision that impacts me. So we shall see what he decides. The sad part, why does he even get to decide. Because men can be fucked up and selfish. A man decides to be a father or not. A woman becomes a mother until the day she dies.

It has put me into a tail spin in different way. Part of me wishes that this is his decision. That he decides to move along little doggy. Then I don't have to struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who is cold and heartless towards me. Actually most of me wishes for that. But then I think of my son. I pray that some day I will love someone and someone will love me enough to become my son's father. But if that doesn't happen, my son needs to know that the two people he chose to bond with are not going any where. But then if my ex doesn't feel attached to him and treats him that way, which I don't know how that's not possible, then in the long run it's for the best.

I think of what this means to my life. I am no longer completely free to come and go as I please. I am no longer able to make decisions without concern for what that means to other people. My son and being a mother has changed all that. My decisions impact someone who is unable to make decisions of their own. My child is dependent on me. At least for now. Soon enough the years will pass by, he will be stronger than me, taller than me, and the little boy who I have protected and loved will move on in his life, will make his own decisions. But for now, I need to make the best decision for both of us.

Perhaps that's why I feel lonely today. Sad. Knowing that the person I chose to start a family with can possibly make a decision that I have to deal with the emotional consequences of for years to come. And there is nothing I can do or say about that is there? No. No there isn't.