Stuffed

My head is swimming but not the butterfly or some high energy stroke. it's doing the doggie paddle. The fall back when you need a rest but don't know how long you need to keep swimming. i'm not frantic. i'm not even overwhelmed. i'm paddling away, under the surface. I don't want to float. my brain can't float right now. too many things to just rest.

my ex will give up 50/50 custody. he will move at some point in the near future. he is short selling the house. he is slowly but surely paying off debt. i have no emotion about it. truly. it's true to form for me. the next woman after me is always the one. this is no different. it is different though because with him i'm happy about it. for the others, i wasn't. i still loved them. for him love is different. i just want my friend back.

but what is killing me right now. truly hurting me. the lost of so many friends. i've written before about this. there are many who i haven't lost. many but they are the group that didn't have a relationship with my ex. those that did i have lost. now i think i need to sever a relationship that i never thought i would have to. our closest couple friends have asked us to not put them in the middle. i don't. i don't share with them the confusion over what my ex is doing, the decisions he is making. i don't share my emotions on anything related to my ex. do i like it? no, not really. but it is what it is. i thought my ex would be held to the same standard. but he's not.

my ex was able to discuss with them his thoughts around giving up custody. a major decision in his life. they did not tell him "don't put us in the middle". they just listen and give an opinion. the double standard makes me angry. angry to the point that I realize I need to cut the friendship.

Remember back when my ex told me he met another woman 3 days after I moved out. Remember how the couple knew before I did? Remember how my ex told me that no one knew? Well guess what, he told me that no one knew that he was considering this change in custody. So what do I do, not talk to anyone. Guess what, the couple knew. Yet again I am put into the position of not having two major people in my life to discuss this heart wrenching decision that he is making.

You know what though, I can't blame my ex. He is leaning on his friends. We all need to do that. But I do blame my couple friends for not telling him .... hey, don't put us in the middle of what you are doing.

Why is this so painful? I just need to pull the band-aid. Remove these last two people of a life that will never exist again. Sigh. I'm stuffed. I don't know if my reaction is my history of pushing people out of my life or the best reaction to protect myself from people that don't have my best interest at heart. I just don't know. thoughts anyone?