Chicken Nuggets vs. The Plastic Toy

I have a PR problem. I do. I'm perceived as things that I am not, so much so that people confuse me as something I'm not all the time. This has always been the case to a certain extent.

I mean I grew up, the daughter of an alcoholic. Guess what that meant for me? I felt safe only when people would not be able to see what my real life was like. I wanted to have the perfect family. I made sure that whenever possible I would project that my family was perfect. I remember the anxiety over open house during elementary school. One it would mean that I would have to tell my family. Two it meant that all my grandma, my uncle and possible my mother would be going. That meant everyone would know that I didn't have a mom and a dad. That I lived with my extended family. That our family was not typical.

Right now I'm hearing "oh so what? everyone thought that. stop being such a drama queen. stop thinking that you were any different. What's pathetic is that you still think this." Yes, invalidation. I don't have a right to feel any of my emotions. I don't have a right to feel any of this. But it was different. I always placed myself into the world of the "other". I was not like the children in my elementary school, for that matter any schooling I had. I was poor they were rich. I was fat they were thin. I was different.

The sad thing is that I never felt like I created my own collection of people around me. Even with my collection of friends I felt like the "other". I still do 20 years later. I still do feel that way with them. The 2-3 people left from 20 years ago. I was never like them. My friend for 23 years just told me to get over it. If only it was that easy. If only she would realize how truly isolated I've always felt. How incapable I am of feeling inclusion.

It's no surprise to me that I struggle with it now. I tried inclusion with my husband for years. But I always felt like I was the cheap plastic toy that came with the kid's meal. People don't really want the toy they want the chicken nuggets. But they take the whole bag, rolling their eyes at the silly gift they got.

I know I've been talking about this for a little bit now but it's hurting me so much. I want to focus on the positive and the handfuls of people who have stuck by me and embraced me right now. But but but but but but my brain goes back to the cheap plastic toy. Because just when I think it's over. That the last person has stood up and ordered the big kids meal with the chicken nuggets and no toy, it happens again. Again!

You learn who your friends are could not be a better phrase right now. I'm grateful to have the friends that would choose the plastic toy over the chicken nuggets. I mean plastic is forever. Chicken nuggets taste good at first bite, but soon enough they sit in your stomach, make you thirsty and you regret ever eating in the first place.

As an end note, I have to say this .... every blind person who I've ever known, supported, listened to, called friend (with the exception of my tennessee, ny, and kansas pizza lovin friends) can all bite my ass.