Hmmmm.

I feel peaceful. I have for almost two days. I'm scared of it. I feel like I'm supposed to be angry forever. How dare I not be angry and confused and upset? I don't understand. I mean maybe I've felt this way for so long that I don't know how to not feel this way. I question feeling this way.

What I want to do is peaceful. What I want to do is kind. Even though I feel like I won't be bitter forever if I do do what I thought. I feel guilt for not punishing my ex forever. Is that fucked up or what? I mean seriously, where is that coming from?

But that's what happens isn't it? People expect you to hate your ex. They expect you to lose a part of your ability to love. Maybe by being bitter and horrible you do lose it. But maybe by letting go of it you don't.

I will never understand my ex's decision to not want custody. Ever. This joyful thing in my life that he just can't see. But you know what, maybe he can't think of it right now. And in some ways at least he is saying it and not just pretending. I think he understands now that this is about preserving his relationship with his son. I mean some day he will want that relationship.

I'm still terrified that I'm being a fool. I'm being taken advantage of. That I should crush him like a little bug. But that doesn't feel right. Why is it so hard to just let go of being angry?