An Opinion on Exile

Self-imposed exile. I put myself there on purpose. To protect myself. To protect the memory of what my marriage was. To protect my son. To figure out what I want and not what someone else wants. It's been months now. Sadly, I don't feel the need to come out of it. So the exile has changed. I see people. I do in fact some times socialize but then it happens. Opinions. I'm made aware that I don't exist in a bubble and that yet again opinions are formed about things in my life without asking me.

It's ironic to me that I was watching Sex & the City 2. Carrie and Charlotte. I'm a unique mix of both of them. A tinge of the romantic, proper of Charlotte with the inquisitive, introspective, insightful nature of Carrie. In the movie she wonders if anyone could ever know what it's like to be in the midst of a relationship that happens with two people. An emphatic no is what hits me.

But let me say that opinions are always formed. Just why is it that I'm always fighting a PR campaign. Many weeks back I decided to end two very important relationships to me. They were as close to me as my ex in many ways. They shared many of the same views of the world as my ex - logical, rational, pro-con list to the max, emotionality is to be viewed suspiciously, plus an amazing talent to project the "image".

Now back to today. I go to the movies with girls from church. Friends, more than acquaintances, but well everyone in real life knows how carefully I protect myself. We are waiting for the movie to start, catch up. They ask the latest. What am I supposed to do - lie? Yes, my ex has decided to not have a relationship with my son moving forward and I'm hurt that people have chosen to support him in his decision.

I think I must be an idiot. I just assumed that they didn't know. But of course they did. Of course they did. You see these same people are friends with the friends that I said good-bye to. So there I sit listening to how this is hurting my friends and how they are torn up about it. All I think is... fuck me. really. truly. now we are talking about them and of course I am to believe that they are torn up about a situation that they should have never been put in the middle of it indeed they were trying to be like Switzerland.

I'm struck that everyone always talks don't they, except me of course. I don't talk. That's the problem. I don't talk so then I'm left having to explain a situation that happened to me and my perspective of what happened is dismissed. Sure my former friends are upset. That's the right PR message but I don't care. They are upset because they chose the side they did. They are upset because they don't want to look at what the reality of our situation is.

I start to explain that they should have never said to not be put in the middle to me and then not uphold that same principle to my ex. But it's met with no no no, they are so upset and don't know what to do. oh fuck me. so then i shut up. about my own situation. about my own life. about the opinions formed on my life. because well, they must know better than me. I mean they have known them for a year maybe 2. I've known them for a decade. a DECADE. but what do I know. right.

i am struck as to what am i supposed to do now. I'm sad. I'm sad because I realize there are but a handful of people who are actually interested in knowing my truth of the situation. the movie was good, awkward at times. i enjoy losing myself in fiction as i typically do. we leave. one says that i need to get out of my exile. perhaps she is right. perhaps she is wrong. i can't really say at this point.