life, universe and everything

I feel blessed. blessed to have new people in my life in a way that i never expected. it's like the universe took a look at me and said, "i'll bring you a welcoming committee." And maybe it did. That's all I keep telling myself.

I had a friend tell me at the beginning of the divorce process that as I grow more comfortable with me and showing people me I will attract people to me. Yes lots of me's in that sentence but we all know I struggle. I struggle to be myself. It doesn't seem like it to most people but I do. I'm busy trying to figure out what it is that they need or want from me so I can give it to them. My sense of self is somewhere in there but not really.

I have removed myself so much that now people bring themselves to me to be a part of my life. And those people that have stepped forward just highlight for me that the universe brings you what you need when you need it. I've frankly been a little too emotionally exhausted to focus on others. I just can't do it. I like to and want to sometimes, but a lot of people who have been a big part of my life need me to be all about them. It's the bed I made. I don't blame them. They are who they are. But I can't focus on them. I just can't. I feel empty and sick when I do. So I'm alone, a lot.

But the thing is - that's ok. And you know why it's ok.... because the universe will bring me what I need. The people, the answer. I say that and the center of my being says YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. My internal critic, some of the audience gathered in my life, they will shake their heads in disgust at what an idiot I am. But you know what, maybe they are the idiot. and maybe, just maybe, their opinion doesn't count.