Pity - Party of One

Pity party of one. Here!

I'm drowning in my own pity at the moment. upset about tiny little things. that i don't have anyone to talk to about. and even if i did talking to people doesn't make me feel better. so i'm just going to drown in my own sorrows, eat some fucking baskin robbins jamoca almond fudge ice cream and try not to cry.

someone special is going to vegas in October and I want to go with them. To spend time with them. To focus on them. To celebrate my divorce being final the week before. But I can't. I can't afford it. I will celebrate soon enough and spend time with this person soon enough but still..... I DONT CARE!

oh grow up. grow up. stop being such a baby. a pathetic baby.

ok i want to spend time with that person but i also want to celebrate the divorce finally being done. it will be finalized on October 8th and I will do nothing. that makes me feel like shit. it just does. it's like you hear the stories of what people do to celebrate - a tattoo, a diamond necklace, a weekend away, a night drinking and celebrating being single again. something. i sit here and think of what i'd like to do and i got nothing. it's a letdown.

then i feel the let down of every significant birthday, holiday celebration ,even my freaking wedding was a let down. it's always about someone else. each christmas i would argue with my husband because i wanted to make it special and generous and do silly traditions and such. he did not. all it made me feel was how stupid i am for wanting this day to be any different than any other day.

i punish myself for wanting to celebrate. i criticize myself for wanting to be joyful or even somber. for being foolish. i don't give myself permission, not one ounce of permission. the inner critic is more powerful than anything i could imagine.

so i will just feel sorry for myself. my pity party. and for the record i want a huge ass bag of peanuts and a pepsi desperately right now.