6 weeks

It's been a long time. It's not avoidance it just more adjustment and struggle. Sick to my stomach with how much is on my plate right now and how I can't afford anything. I will not be able to pay my rent. I couldn't the moment I got paid because of overdraft fees. Finally Paul caught up with me for robbing him to pay Peter. I don't know what to do.

My family is extended themselves as far as they can to help me. Child support does not kick back in until December. Even then it's not that much. The job prospects are pretty much dead. I am grateful for the job I do have but I can't make it. I don't know what to do. I make too much for public assistance. There is nothing I can do. Just keep the faith so to speak.

I look at my house now at things I can sell. Even my son's turtle potty is for sale on Craig's List. $10 here. $2 there. It can all add up to $700 right? I have nothing of monetary value now. My car which I've had for 7 months is now 2 months behind in car payments. My computer I use for work. My TV is broken. What else is there?

My diamond ring. My wedding ring. I could probably sell it for $700 or so. Then I could pay rent. How sad that something that held so much promise can be reduced to nothing but a rent payment? I wonder what happened to the wedding ring I gave my ex. It was sterling silver and had braille on it - my love.

The whole thing doesn't  make me sad in missing our relationship. It makes me sad in that I failed. The wedding ring is the last reminder of what was once. I miss my friend in many ways. I don't miss my lover, my husband, my partner. But my friend. yeah.

I'm horrible with casual friends. It's hard to get inside my brain to the point that I truly and completely trust you. Then when someone does it's like why do they ever have to leave? or I'm just marking time and waiting. A rare person can handle that pressure. So I don't even try any more. I'm not turning into the cynic but sad resignation is settling in my bones.