give up

i just feel like giving up. i sit and have an overwhelming sense of doom. there is such a sense of futility in doing pretty much anything. at least it feels like it right now. i can't find another job to save my life it seems. i have a job that pays me just enough to not qualify for any services but to little to live in a nice neighborhood.

i wrote something the other day about the overwhelming sense of failure that not having money in the bank does to me. i feel irrelevant, insignificant, invisible. i try so desperately to hold on to optimism but it seems like this uphill battle that is never going to be over.

it is so bad i no longer have any aspirations. the dreams i had seem so foolish when i can't afford my rent. they seem like suicide when i can't even get a job that pays more than $14/hour when i have experience and a degree.

i guess the option is to move to a cheaper neighborhood. settle for a lesser school. have less personal safety. have less natural beauty. more polluted spaces. move my son into a lesser school district. do i give up on him too? i'm in one of the richest school districts they have the resources to try to teach him. it's starting to show. but how do i keep him here.

i can't go home for thanksgiving. the only reason i can consider going home for christmas is because 2 weeks of a baby sitter is impossible to pay for and when I say impossible I mean impossible. it's not like i just won't go out to eat so much it's more like i'm already overdrawn from paying my rent am i going to pull money out of a monkey's ass to pay for anything else or what?

oh god the judgement i hear. how did this happen? what the hell do you think you are doing then? why did you move? well you kind of made your bed now lay in it? maybe you should have done x, y or z? maybe you are just a failure and you should have just stayed with your life exactly the way it was.

god please let me torture myself just a little bit more. let me feel even more like shit then i already feel. that's helpful. truly helpful.

it's what i deserve. all of this. i deserve all of this. i should not have my son because my marriage was falling apart. i should not have moved because i am alone. i should not have a better job because i'm too old to be in advertising. i should really just accept that i will have a pathetic life in the ghetto.

i don't see any other option right now. i don't. what? i'm going to go to grad school. oh yes i can go to a for-profit, let's give everyone a degree grad school. sure thing. that's helpful. i can't go to real school with an admissions process that isn't built on money. i don't have the recommendation letters. i don't have the money to take the GRE. i don't have the drive to change the world because why should i? if i can't change and influence myself how in the world will i possible change and influence anyone else?

i'm resigned to my fate. the fight against myself is over. i am what i am. a mediocre person with nothing special about them. with no real talents. everything i've written in the last 6 months has been crap and i'm embarrassed to have ever called myself a writer. it's just a delusion.

the bitterness is inevitable at this point. it has won because i give up.