Being happy

i feel like i want to be a failure. i don't know how to handle generosity. i don't know how to handle someone caring about me. i don't know how to handle someone being worried about me. i don't know how to be grateful and humble. but i do know how to bitch. i do know how to be disliked and sometimes even hated. and i do know how to be greedy and ungrateful.

i'm pissed off because the universe is being kind to me. how fucked up is that? seriously. how fucked up is that?

i found a food bank that gives away organic and fresh foods. the church i've gone to 3 times has given me $50, a gift certificate for $100, and now some stranger is going to make us dinner. last month when i began with very little and behind on all my bills i managed to be given enough to make it through the month and to start this month not being behind. i am cared about and desired by someone who i have pushed away at every opportunity yet he remains, seeing the beauty of me that others have found so despicable.

and i'm pissed off about it. what's wrong with me?

i have an abundance of food now with some creativity i should be good. i go to allrecipes and type in ingredients and i'm overwhelmed. i can't make a decision. i don't know what to do with it. there is money in my bank account to pay my bills. i'm afraid to. so i just make sure i don't leave the house so i don't do anything stupid. i have bought 3 Christmas presents and spent $6.

I am so overwhelmingly blessed. and all i hear myself saying is .... i don't deserve this. i am not worth this. i am not special. i am not any different than anyone else. what catastrophe is waiting for me the minute i start accepting the gifts that god has granted me?

how do you learn to start being happy when you have spent so many years being unhappy?

how do i convince myself that i am worth this?

how do i teach myself to be gracious in my humility? to accept the gifts, generosity and love being given to me yet remain humble and awed by it without criticizing it happening.

so often i see humility coupled with demoralization. i demoralize myself to keep myself humble. so then i feel like i'm spitting in the face of the universe it's gifts to me. then i think maybe i do deserve this. maybe i do deserve the gifts that are given to me.

and if i do deserve it then why does it hurt so much to accept it? why do i struggle to accept the joy of it?

i don't know the answer. i can't put a bow on this one or put it in the box that i do everything else in my life to cope with it. i am fighting myself internally because i'm starting to think that i am happy. i'm scared to be happy. and in being scared all i'm doing is rejecting god, rejecting love, rejecting blessing, rejecting joy. what sane person does that?

where is the answer to this? because i am tired of fighting myself. I just want to give up and be happy. and why do i feel like there is something wrong with that?