unsent letter.

This is an exercise. A much needed exercise. i will never send this letter. i will never speak this words. but i have to get it off my chest.

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DM & YT -
Fuck you. Fuck you for taking what was to be a good living situation and making it horrible. Fuck you for assuming that I was above being friendly to. Fuck you for thinking I'm nothing but a user. Fuck you for being immature and narcissistic assholes.

And I tried. I tried hard to let you become friends with me. But for whatever reason I was not welcomed from the get-go. I never understood why. All I did was move into a house 1100 miles away from home. All I did was bring a child with me. Yet I was the easy victim to blame for ruining the serenity of the house. But the thing is you both already ruined it.

Close to 50 both of you and still every night you want to drink 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka. then smoke a pack of cigarettes and a couple of joints. yet I'm the user. I'm the one who needs to be talked down to like a child. I'm the one who is pushed out and deemed unworthy to be part of the cool kids.

The cool kids never liked me. Whatever. But this is different. I'm just like you. Actually no I'm not just like you. I have a child that I have to be stable for. And as much as my world is falling apart with money worries and the strong desire to shrink responsibility I don't have a choice.

You both think I'm the narcissus. That it's all about me. But it's not about me. I'm the smallest person in my world. Many people come before me. The most significant of which is my son. The big choices I've made in the last few months have been for his benefit. It would be so much easier to have been homeless.

But you never bothered to try to even see that. you just took your anger and your confusion and your feels of being discarded and you put it all on me. even standing in the same room i couldn't have a conversation with either of you.

it's been a nightmare and i've survived the nightmare as i survive most things. the funny thing is that you both think your life is bigger and more important than mine. i try to remember that someone's life is always better than mine and someone's is always worse. with you two, my life is bigger. i'm 10 years younger than you yet i've made more emotional strides and changes than you probably understand. jesus you think i'm a loser. then even better you think you know God better than I do.

It makes me laugh. Thinking about how "christian" you both claim to be yet every day your life is full of selfishness and judgment. isn't that the antithesis of christianity? the spiritual guidance is a joke because where did you feel closer to God? while you drunk, high, or full of nicotine. how did you express it? through marginalizing me and lecturing me on how to raise my child, how to cook, how to clean, how to worship God, how to process politics, how to feed my son certain foods to "cure" him. and the list goes on and on and on.

and i let you. i guess that's my part in this play. i actually listened to your words of "advice" because you never know where the answer will come. i kept thinking you would listen back. but you didn't. i played this melodrama of my childhood, of my marriage, of my social rejections. deep personal significant shit and i reacted the same way.

in the end it's all been done. we will all leave this place. this "transition" home. another set of people that i shared my life with for awhile who i will never see or talk to again. another set of people who used their misinterpreted judgment of me against me. another set of people who think it's "all about me."

you selfish arrogant bastards.

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i go back to the place of blame. in the end it's a good thing. all of this has brought my unhealed wounds from childhood events back to the surface. that's good because now i can learn a new technique to deal with them and not the "pretend it's all ok" way.

i wonder what will happen when my life is about living and not about healing picked scabs?