Easter Morning

i snuck out for sunrise service. 

i never really understood easter like really truly understood. there are many subjects that i intellectually understand but don't ever feel with my soul. easter was one of them. resurrection. ok. so supposedly jesus rose from death. he lived again. because god has the power to defeat death. and?

i always thought about the "and?" what am i supposed to take from easter? i'm not jesus. i'm not the messiah. i'm not a prophet. god will not resurrect me. i will not die and be brought back to life. i don't get it.

there were 13 of us at sunrise service. it's misty and cold. dark and sad. we each take a necklace of stone and a candle stick. the elder recalls the story of jesus's crucifixation. the roles that each played. judas in his betrayal. peter in his denial. pilate in giving into the crowd's wishes. she relates it to our human experience. we have all betrayed god, denied god, and given into the common good. we are not immune to it. i am overcome with tears.

someone once told me the name for when you cry from god's spirit filling you. i don't remember. but it's a phenomena that no matter how i try to not cry the tears roll. we each go to cross and extinguish our light. we stand in the early post-dawn hours where the sky is that lovely shade of gray on it's way to being blue. the rock necklace around our necks.

i'm overwhelmed as there is a spot in the courtyard of church that i love. i feel god there. it sounds ridiculous but it's seeing the cross at the top of the building through the trees. the cross has nothing around it and there is nothing to obstruct your view from the cross and the sky. it hits me.

the elder continues. we all have stones to be removed from the tomb we keep ourselves in. god can remove that stone. he can resurrect us. the stone necklace had become a burden to me. i weep (i weep now as i remember) because i have so many stones to remove. so many. i'm overcome with the emotion of my understanding.

that is what easter is isn't it? it's the understanding that god can resurrect me. right now. here. today. he can forgive me and allow me to forgive myself. he can take the stones and move them. no matter how big they are or long i've carried them.

at some point the elder tells us to remove the necklace of stone. i almost throw it off. the burden on my neck i want it gone. the oxygen of god floods my lungs. it's this clarity that has happened a few times before in my life. i can breathe again. god will resurrect me. i am not insignificant to him. i am not unnoticed by him. i am a loved child just as we all are.

as the service concludes she offers that we may take the stones with us or we may leave them at the cross. most everyone quickly leaves the stones at the cross. i am more hesitant. i don't want the stones around my neck but i don't want to leave them either. what will happen if i don't enclose myself any more? what will happen if i truly let go? i literally stand there for what seems like forever. i debate walking away from my stones. i don't know if i can do it.

i understand now why Easter has been a struggle for me to understand. it's relinquishing control. i pick up the stone. at this point. everyone has dropped their stone at the cross and move to another part of the church. i stand and look at the bag.

i have to understand the resurrection story. i have to understand god's ability to forgive me and to love me regardless. more important i have to forgive myself. i have to love myself. to not do that would be a denial of god and god's grace in my life. i am afraid to forgive myself. i am afraid to truly love myself. i feel all of that in the moment that i stand looking at the bag.

let go. 

i walk over to the cross take a look at the bag and drop it. not graciously or deliberately as everyone else has. i just turn my hand over and let it go. where the rock falls is not my concern. i feel a burden lift and for the first time i think i understand the point of resurrection. that is the miracle.