is it ever too late to come back to a blog? it's the same as asking yourself if it's ever too late to come back to yourself. the answer has to be no. right?
life .... is life. let's see if i can summarize the last year and a half. the boy is growing happy and strong. my relationship ended and it devastated me. worst that any prior relationship has. perhaps because it was after a hysterectomy 3 weeks prior. oh and i didn't have the tiny scar, i had the lovely cancer scar straight down the middle. work is still church. school is still a pipe dream. the apartment is lovely. too small now that my mom has moved with us. yup, she had over a year ago. that in and of itself is hard. so that's my life. in a year.
today someone said that they don't like to read that they have repeated words. i pause and laugh because my life is a repeat. the particulars might change slightly. but not much. and maybe that's why i don't write. i don't want to admit how stagnant life is for me. how inactive i am. how i have begun to lose faith in god, faith in my dreams, faith in anything really.
do i have hope? for what - is my first response. i pause for a long time, searching for a kernel. i listen to christian music. i pray. i meditate. i empty my mind as much as i can. the answer is no. i don't have hope.
maybe instead of thinking how sad i could simply except it for what it is. i live each day because i have to. plan a project. plan a goal. plan an activity. sure. i'll do that. the goals don't give me hope either. they just keep me distracted from the point - hope is a fool's mission. i've spent my life being a fool. maybe i should embrace the cynic.
No comments:
Post a Comment