The New Home Executive

Jason returned to work today and I started my new job - home executive. Somehow the title isn't nifty enough so I need to think of something different. CEO of Chez Fayre? Ruler of Chez Fayre - yeah right on that one!!! 

Although we have been home for more than a week it was different today. I didn't have a tag team partner. I didn't have someone to talk the reins if I was tired or wanted to take a shower. But I managed. Pandu was fed, bathed and clothed. What more could I ask? I even managed to take a shower and do a load of laundry. Yes, it's still in the dryer but hey that's another dresser in our household. (Maybe I shouldn't admit that publicly? Ah, whatever.) We even went to the grocery store. It was all so surreal. 

At the store I was there with other moms. Shopping the aisles, worrying about bargains and trying to think of how we are going to eat healthy on a budget. Vegetables and fruit are expensive in winter. But I felt a little bit like an imposter. Did people know I was new at this? I felt silly talking to Pandu in the aisles. I felt like I'm a wack job talking to my kid and people are staring at me. Obviously that wasn't the case but I sure felt that in my head. But I noted that even though Pandu is delayed in so many ways he is well mannered. We were waiting in the check out aisle behind another mom of 3 who just wanted a break - you could read it on her face. Her children (5,3,1) were begging for this and that. She had that mom voice that feels so defeated. Sure enough Pandu will beg for this and that too once he gets the concept. That will be a fun day and I too will problem get the mom defeated voice at that point.

All day I struggled internally with this stupid June Cleaver expectation that I have. It's like I'm supposed to be perfect - perfect house, perfect child, perfect dinner on the table, and a chipper attitude to boot. Why do I have this? Why? I mean my mom wasn't. I know I wished she was when I was younger and sometimes I still do now but rarely. I don't want to get stuck with an image that I don't want or respect. I don't want to feel trapped. But I struggle with my identity. Who am I now? What am I going to talk to people about? My son. That's it. I have no gossip. I have no interesting tales of work and other people. Just me, my house, my kid and my husband. I haven't even figured out how to watch the news yet. 

The hardest part of the day was honestly when Jason came home. You would think the opposite but it was hard. Pandu was subdued most of the day. He didn't want a lot of interaction with me and was very mellow. Jason walks in the door and Pandu is all over him. Hugging his leg, holding his hand, not letting go. He was like saving me from this crazy care taker. Daddy is home. I know, I know, I know. It's good. It's wonderful. It's actually fantastic. It's attachment. It's what we want. It's what Pandu needs. But man why doesn't he do that with me yet? I know, I know, I know. I may be like all the other woman he is used to. Jason is not. But I just want him to. I want him to love me too. It's like all the rejection in the world all over again. All the people that have chosen others over me. All the times I have been overlooked and disregarded. Only this time - it's my kid. I felt so sad. So devastated. And poor Jason he doesn't know what to do. And I don't want Jason to not encourage Pandu so it just sucks. I had to take a break. Get it back together. Remember that this is good regardless and Pandu will know me too as mom. He will love and adore me just as much. It will just take more time. But man do I want that now. 

This whole experience is karma teaching me patience. That indeed Rome was not built in a day (Yes, it was. I know it was. I will make it so. My sheer will will make it so.) That I will grow and be a better person than I am today because I will finally learn patience and how to unconditionally love someone. All the things that I've struggled with I have to figure out in my new career as mom. Wow.